one of the worst feelings in the world is helplessness. when someone you care about it is hurting, all you want to do is to take them in your arms, and to hold them tightly, telling them that you love them and that everything will be alright. but when the reason that they are hurting is you, your hands are tied. holding you and reassuring you that i love you will only make matters worse. the only thing that can heal certain wounds is time. time, time, time.. something that none of us have any control over. all that we can do is to wait - for time to work its magic; and to hope - that we will each come to realize that things have worked out for the best.

i dont even fully understand what happened. i know that it was me that initiated it, but it’s all a blur, right now. there’s a part of me that refuses to give up the hope that this is just another of those “break-ups” that we’ve had in the past, and that in a few days, everything will be back to normal. after all, we have gone a very very long time without any sort of dispute – it’s almost as though this is overdue. but on the other hand, i cant help but have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that this time it’s the real thing. that this is, indeed, goodbye. and i hate it. im terrified that in a few weeks time, you wont want me back. or, that i wont want to come back. i wish that i had taken some more time to think things through, before confronting you with my concerns. but what’s done is done. there is no changing what has already happened.

i wish that things could have been different. i have never felt so safe, so comfortable, so protected as i did when i was lying in your arms. you were, so many times, the first one i saw when i woke up in the morning, the last one i saw before i fell asleep at night. my days never felt complete unless i had gone over every little detail with you. there were times when you made me feel that there was nothing in the world that mattered, as long as we had each other. you represented so many firsts, for me, and as i have said before, i wouldnt have wanted to share them with anyone else. im not going to pretend that it doesnt bring tears to my eyes to think that i will probably never again be lying in bed with you, with our legs entwined, feeling you absent-mindedly, gently tracing along my palm with a finger; never again be sitting beside you, and have you turn around, tilt my head towards you, and lean in for a kiss; never again have you brush a strand of hair out of my face, as you stroke my cheek. never again will i feel the warmth of your hands against my stomach, the tingle of your fingertips running along my spine, the softness of your lips on my skin. never again will i fall asleep with your arms around me, my head on your chest. i told you that i still love you. it’s true. and i will always love you.. the problem is not that i dont love you. the problem is that the fact that i love you is no longer enough, because for some reason that i dont understand, or like, i am not IN love with you anymore.

i am so sorry for hurting you. if there was some way in which i could, in good conscience, take it back, kiss it all better, i would jump at it. but there isnt. and i cant. all i hope is that you will find it in your heart to one day forgive me, and that we will eventually be able to at least be friends. for the time that we were together, you were my life, my strength, my love, my courage, and most importantly, my friend. i cant believe that i might lose all of that. thank you for everything. and.. im sorry.

im sitting here, at my desk, with tears streaming down my face. i started off feeling horrible because i knew that you must be upset; i started off wanting to comfort you.. and now that i am wrapping up, i still feel horrible.. but now along with being concerned about you, i also am left with an overwhelming sense of loss.. all i want, at this very moment, is to have you holding me, kissing me, telling me that we will be able to work through this, together. cruelly ironic, isnt it? that the one person who can make it all better is the only person who cant? but, whatever happened.. whatever happens, i know that we are both going to be okay.

you are such an amazing person. these past three months have been absolutely magical. thanks for everything. i have no regrets at all about anything we have shared. it has been a turbulent ride, but i have enjoyed every moment of being with you, and i wouldnt trade it for the world. i love you. good night.