Confessions of a Moo

Aimless Ramblings of a Distracted Mind..

Monday, January 22, 2007

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum.

still 99.4 lbs

claret infused cheddar
cream crackers
glosette raisins
soya nuggets with rice
watermelon jello

Aimless Ramblings:
Baggage told me today that he spent much of the weekend worrying that he was destroying my life. Sweet? Kind of.. But I also think he gives himself too much credit. I've got a lot going on in my life right now.. a lot of things that make me kind of an emotional wreck.. I am going through my "quarter life crisis" and dealing with all the ups and downs that this involves..

He said that he felt that he was causing me a lot of problems for someone I wasnt even dating. Perhaps. But I dont think it's him. A lot of it is me. My concern is that I'm starting to care about him. It was supposed to be a friends-with-benefits type situation. I cant afford to want more with him. But he says and does thing sometimes that make me worry that I'm going to want more with him. Cherry said that maybe he should just get over himself and date me. Maybe he should. Maybe I should just talk to him. But I know that he doesnt want that. And even if he does, he wont do it. So maybe I should just get over it and get on with my life.

Mood Tracker:


Saturday, January 20, 2007

Today is the longest day of your life. The gravitational effect of the moon on the Earth creates tidal "bulges", which slows the Earth's rotation at a rate of around 0.02 seconds per century - and each day is fractionally longer than the day before.

99.4 lbs

slice of corn quiche
boiled potatoes
sauteed green beans

Aimless Ramblings:
I know I've said this time and time again, but honestly: this time it's over. I'm sick of being jerked around by the Ex, and it's not going to happen any more.

Everyone told me that I was being naive to believe that we actually had a good relationship; everyone said that I was deluding myself into thinking that we were going to be able to sustain a close friendship; everyone was right.

He lied to me and betrayed my trust.

I dont think he could have done anything to hurt me more.

Whatever. Fuck him. I certainly never will again.

Mood Tracker:


Saturday, January 13, 2007

Each of the suits on a deck of cards represents the four major pillars of the economy in the middle ages: heart represented the Church, spades represented the military, clubs represented agriculture, and diamonds represented the merchant class.

99.4 lbs

nothing yet..

Aimless Ramblings:
Sexual Harassment:
I got totally sexually harassed at work yesterday.. I wasnt initially going to blog about it, but I've gotten over being upset and feeling violated and dirty; now I'm just angry and disgusted, and needing to vent.

My boss was on the road yesterday, but he was going to be in the neighbourhood of the office, and asked if I would mind bringing down some reports for him, if he stopped his car in front of our building. This isnt really my job, but I really like my boss a lot, and I dont mind doing him little favours like that: it doesnt really cost me anything, and he really appreciates it. So, yesterday, I ran down with a stack of reports, and he rolled down the passenger window of his car so I could hand them to him. I leaned into the window and passed the reports over, and had a quick chat with him before heading back into the office. When I stood up and turned around, I saw two of my coworkers, two guys that I'm not even very close to, standing a few metres behind me.. one with his cellphone out, and poised as if to take a picture... of me. Oh, I should probably mention that I was wearing a midthigh length dress with a blazer yesterday and looked quite cute. Anyway, while this was kind of disconcerting, I was going to just ignore him. But then he said "Smallfat*, do you mind turning around again and leaning into the car window for a minute?" !!!!! He was taking pictures of my ass.. possibly even up my skirt!! I'm sorry, but that's just NOT on. I mean, yes.. our department tends to bend the rules of decorum a little: you can get away with a lot in our department, in terms of profanity, and sexual innuendos, and joking around that you wouldnt be able to do in, say, accounting... and I'm totally fine with that. I actually enjoy it.. I love that we're all so relaxed and friendly. But in what warped universe would what this guy was doing be considered REMOTELY appropriate behaviour in a work environment? If it had been someone with whom I had a personal as well as a professional relationship, I probably would have laughed it off.. but I barely know this guy; we're barely even acquaintances and I didnt even like him. I'm considering filing a complaint with HR... I might do it anonymously; or I might tag it on as support to a complaint that another girl is considering making against this guy.

The Job:
I came back from two weeks of vacation, expecting to feel refreshed and rejuvenated, and ready to jump back into the saddle and love my job again. I dont. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel.. wasted. There is so much more to me than what I am doing. My job is fairly stressful, but not at all stimulating. I dont feel like I'm really getting anything out of it anymore.. except for a paycheque.. and even that isnt really all that fantastic. I'm so much smarter than this. I am intelligent, and personable, and cultured, and ambitious.. and I look around me at some of my colleagues, and while they are all very nice people, it's really hard at times to not feel a bit exasperated. I was talking to one of the girls yesterday.. and she was saying that she doesnt think she will apply for promotions or anything. She's satisfied with where she is and what she's doing. I smiled and made the appropriate comments, but I couldnt help thinking to myself "That's it? This is all you want?" It's not even really about the money that I want more of... It's the intellectual and creative challenge that I'm just not getting at all.. I really need to start looking for other opportunities.

The Fam
I love my family. I really do. But the more I think about it, the more I am convinced that I REALLY need to move out of our house. For all of our sanity, and also because I will NEVER feel that I'm ready, and I need to take the plunge eventually... lots to think about; lots of decisions to be made.. it's going to be an emotionally charged year!

Love Life
Things with Baggage continue to confuse me.. in December, we had a nice long chat (slash cuddle, slash make-out-session) and established that we both really like each other, and continue to be wildly attracted to one another, but neither of us is quite ready to commit to a relationship. Partly because we are still coworkers; partly because we're both scared of committment; partly because neither of us feels entirely stable enough to make a decision like that. So, we decided to just enjoy each others' company and let it run its course. A week later, I dropped in on him for a quickie, on my way to a dinner date with the girls. Yes, I made a bootie call. It made me feel better, in terms of taking some power back, but then I was a bit embarassed about possibly having messed up any chances for a good friendship.

When I got back from vacation, he told me repeatedly (at work; online; when we hung out socially) that he'd really missed me while I was gone.. and when we were out with a mutual friend/coworker, after she left, he kissed me. The first time, I let him kiss me but then I pulled away and carried on as though nothing had happened. The second time was right before we were leaving. I said goodbye, and that I would see him the next day, and turned to leave but he pulled me back and kissed me again, and this time I kissed him back.

Not entirely sure what this means.. I'm trying really hard to not read into anything and to not have any expectations, because that's the surest way of setting myself up to get hurt.

Mood Tracker:

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Sunday, January 07, 2007

When a human egg and sperm meet, there is about a 55% chance of the resulting embryo being male (126 males per 100 females) However, male embryos are much more likely to die as a result of miscarriage, so the eventual birth rate is closer to 105 boys for every 100 girls.

102 lbs

2 rice flour crepes with onions and chillies and coriander
a bowlful of cabbage and grape salad
a bowlful of spiced cabbage

Aimless Ramblings:
Happy New Year, everyone!

Mood Tracker:

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas!!

Happy Holidays!!

All the best for a fantastic 2007!

Much love,

Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

102.8 lbs

Grilled veg and goat cheese salad
Some sort of dal
Peppermint ho-cho (of the teabag, not the Starbucks, variety)

Aimless Ramblings:
I hate not being able to decide where I stand, or what I want.
As LauPow commented, being in one's early 20s is necessarily a time of turmoil. Becoming a grownup isnt easy. Noone ever claimed that it was. I just dont know that it necessarily has to be THIS hard. Admittedly, I have a tendency to over-react to things, and over-dramatize situations in which I find myself. I am so tired of everything, though. I'm tired of acting like I'm on track. I'm tired of acting like I am completely in control. I'm tired of pretending that I lead a charmed life. I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy. And most of all, I'm tired of being tired.

Mood Tracker:

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

Aimless Ramblings:
Cherry commented last week that in a sense, Baggage was good for me, because if it hadnt been for him, I would have probably gotten back together with The Ex, back into a relationship that was unhealthy and draining for both parties involved.

She definitely has a point there. The other thing that I owe Baggage a debt of gratitude for is for forcing me to grow up and face the reality of the world. I've spent far too long living in a little bubble, where I was always safe and protected. For 18 years, my parents sheltered me from anything that could hurt me, and for the last three years, the Ex has been doing the same, in shielding me from the harshness that is real life. I have gone through my entire life believing that people are good; and always giving people the benefit of the doubt. Baggage opened my eyes to the fact that the world is not a loving, caring place. Everyone is out for whatever they can get, and they will have no qualms about using you however they please, in order to achieve their goals. Noone cares about you, or how you will feel. The world is a selfish place. And if you want to survive in it, you need to grow a thicker skin and become aware of the fact that you are surrounded by people who are going to try to take advantage of your weaknesses. Don't let them.

Mood Tracker:

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The word "television" has a hybrid etymology - tele derived from the Greek tēle which means "far off" and vision from the Latin vīsiō, past participle of vidēre, meaning "to see"

103 lbs

2 chaps

Aimless Ramblings:
I Want My Life Back.

I’m tired of feeling like shit all the time. I’m tired of being miserable. I’m tired of having no escape at all. There isn’t a single person who doesn’t make me hurt. There isn’t a single place I can go to get away from the pain. Even if I could find a place that wasn’t fraught with associations, I couldn’t get away from myself, and right now, I’m the person I hate most.

I have a confession to make. It’s not really a secret or anything, but I’m still not sure how to feel about it. I still love my Ex. There, I said it. A few months ago, just when I thought things were getting serious with Baggage, he asked me to get back together. He said a lot of things that night that made me spend the rest of the evening crying. I hated him, at the time, for toying with my emotions. Now, I wonder whether he sincerely wanted the changes he said he would make to our relationship, to make it work. If he did, I’m an idiot for not giving “us” a chance. There was a lot about our relationship that was unhealthy. There were a million reasons why we shouldn’t have been together; a billion reasons why we wouldn’t work. But, at the end of the day, he is still the person I want to talk to when I’ve had a rough day; the only person I would even consider opening up to about what I am thinking and feeling about my own life; the person I want to spend time with. There is a part of me wants so badly to drive over to his house, throw myself into his arms, and beg him to forgive him. And yet… I can’t. I won’t. Pride? Possibly. Protection? Partially. Primarily, though, it’s the knowledge that no matter how hard we may try, things will never be the same between us.

And it’s entirely because of Baggage. I wish I had never met him. He keeps insisting that we are friends. We are NOT friends. We work together, and are affable and pleasant in this context. But I don’t want to have anything to do with him. I tried really hard to give him the benefit of the doubt; I tried to believe that we’d figure things out. But time after time, he disappoints me, and I’m tired. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I can’t care anymore. I don’t want to care anymore. I’ve deleted him on MSN. I wish I didn’t have to see him every day at the office, but there’s nothing I can really do to avoid him there. In all other circumstances and situations, though, I am throwing in the towel. I don’t want to have anything to do with him.

I haven’t been happy with who I am for a long time. But these past few months have turned me into someone I actually dislike. Between having things fall apart with the Ex, all the drama with Baggage, moving back in with my parents, and getting off the meds and therapy, I’m a total mess. And the one person who can make me feel better can no longer be there for me.

Mood Tracker:

Friday, November 17, 2006

The earliest recorded case of a man giving up smoking was on April 5, 1679, when Johan Katsu, Sheriff of Turku, Finland, wrote in his diary "I quit smoking tobacco." He died one month later.

Aimless Ramblings:
I cant stop thinking about his hands.

I’ll be sitting beside him in a conference room at the office, and find myself starting at his hands moving across the page as he takes notes. Or even just resting on the table.

I don’t even know whether or not I want to be with him, but there’s just something about his hands.

Looking at them, I think about the evening at Hy’s, when he came back from the bar and sat down beside me and gave me a hand massage before cupping my cheek in his hand and leaning into our first kiss.
I think about the afternoon in the parkette, when we climbed up to the top of the architectural structure and made out, his hands all over me.
I think about the various times I’d sit perched on his desk, with one foot in his lap as he read, with his hands stroking my calf.
I think about the way he would run his hands up my leg, and under my skirt, and how dangerous we felt in the stairwells.
I think about the evening at the office, on our way back from Pravda, and the fantasies about the conference room.
I think about the night in the park.. his hands in me… me licking his fingers clean.
I think about the evening on the bus, when I absentmindedly stroked the back of his hand and he commented on how soothing he found it. That’s what I think about the most. Stroking his hand..

I'm still oddly jealous when he turns on the charm around other girls. I cant really explain it. I dont know that I want to.

Mood Tracker:

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

106.2 lbs - how?!

Nothing since about 9pm last night, as of 4:45pm. But I'm being dragged out to dinner with the fam tonight, so I'll have to eat something then, probably.

Aimless Ramblings:
What the hell is wrong with me?

Who is this clingy, crazy person, and why am I turning into her? I don’t like the person I am becoming. I don’t like her at all.

When my Ex dumped me, I was heartbroken. I felt as though I had driven him away by being too high maintenance; too much drama. As contrived as this may sound, I felt as though I didn’t deserve love.

It didn’t help that so many other things in my life were falling apart at the time: socially, personally, academically, professionally, nothing seemed to be going right for me.

I had a very rough few months, but eventually things started working out; things began to fall into place. And then I met Mr Emotional Baggage, and it was as though all the shit that I’d been going through was finally giving way, and that my life might actually finally be getting on track. I might finally be happy.

I should have known better. I guess it’s unfair to blame Baggage for the fact that I’m unhappy. It’s not his fault.

It IS his fault, however, that we aren't together. It's his fault for being charming and yet distant, and leaving me hanging and doubting everything. It's his fault that I’m turning into this psychotic woman that sends drunken text messages whining about how much I hate him for not letting me hate him. It's true, but what happened to my sense of pride? Where is my sense of dignity? The old me would never let a boy get to her like this. The old me was a frigid bitch. When did she disappear? How did she end up being replaced by this overly emotional, needy, whining, clinging basket case? I don’t blame Baggage for not wanting to get involved with me. I wouldn’t want to be involved with me, either. In fact, if I could get away from myself, I would.

Mood Tracker: