RFotD:
The word "television" has a hybrid etymology - tele derived from the Greek tēle which means "far off" and vision from the Latin vīsiō, past participle of vidēre, meaning "to see"

Weight:
103 lbs

Consumption:
2 chaps
eggplant
okra

Aimless Ramblings:
I Want My Life Back.

I’m tired of feeling like shit all the time. I’m tired of being miserable. I’m tired of having no escape at all. There isn’t a single person who doesn’t make me hurt. There isn’t a single place I can go to get away from the pain. Even if I could find a place that wasn’t fraught with associations, I couldn’t get away from myself, and right now, I’m the person I hate most.

I have a confession to make. It’s not really a secret or anything, but I’m still not sure how to feel about it. I still love my Ex. There, I said it. A few months ago, just when I thought things were getting serious with Baggage, he asked me to get back together. He said a lot of things that night that made me spend the rest of the evening crying. I hated him, at the time, for toying with my emotions. Now, I wonder whether he sincerely wanted the changes he said he would make to our relationship, to make it work. If he did, I’m an idiot for not giving “us” a chance. There was a lot about our relationship that was unhealthy. There were a million reasons why we shouldn’t have been together; a billion reasons why we wouldn’t work. But, at the end of the day, he is still the person I want to talk to when I’ve had a rough day; the only person I would even consider opening up to about what I am thinking and feeling about my own life; the person I want to spend time with. There is a part of me wants so badly to drive over to his house, throw myself into his arms, and beg him to forgive him. And yet… I can’t. I won’t. Pride? Possibly. Protection? Partially. Primarily, though, it’s the knowledge that no matter how hard we may try, things will never be the same between us.

And it’s entirely because of Baggage. I wish I had never met him. He keeps insisting that we are friends. We are NOT friends. We work together, and are affable and pleasant in this context. But I don’t want to have anything to do with him. I tried really hard to give him the benefit of the doubt; I tried to believe that we’d figure things out. But time after time, he disappoints me, and I’m tired. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I can’t care anymore. I don’t want to care anymore. I’ve deleted him on MSN. I wish I didn’t have to see him every day at the office, but there’s nothing I can really do to avoid him there. In all other circumstances and situations, though, I am throwing in the towel. I don’t want to have anything to do with him.

I haven’t been happy with who I am for a long time. But these past few months have turned me into someone I actually dislike. Between having things fall apart with the Ex, all the drama with Baggage, moving back in with my parents, and getting off the meds and therapy, I’m a total mess. And the one person who can make me feel better can no longer be there for me.

Mood Tracker:
13