for the first time in a while, i woke up in the middle of the night without someone beside me. i rolled over, subconsciously expecting to have an arm wrap around me, but there was noone there. i had the entire bed to myself. rolling over, there was nothing to stop me, so i just kept rolling until i hit the wall. i was able to toss, and turn, and sprawl out over as much space as i could fit in: i didnt like it. but i suppose i had better get used to it.

ha.. the cruel irony:
22 October 2003 [20:24:35]: next time i'm trying to get over a girl, remind me
to call u and ask u for tips ;)

i suppose it's not a good idea to read back through all the old conversations, all the old notes, and emails, and cards. there were so many good times.. but it's not fun, yet, to look back on them. it's too soon. it makes it hurt so much more. it makes me realize just how much i miss..

i miss us. i miss the warmth. i miss your kisses. i miss the fun. i miss the love. i miss being able to curl up in a little ball, and having you hold me. i miss being silly. i miss twisting my neck up, just to look at you. i miss everything, but more than anything, i miss you.

yesterday, i was watching tv. seeing other couples make out used to make me wish you were with me. now, it's almost unbearable. knowing that im not going to get a goodnight kiss for a long time. even worse, there will be no kiss good morning. i want us to be friends. i want to be able to spend time with you, without awkwardness between us. but at the moment, i dont know if im strong enough to do that without breaking down. in the past, we've always ended up realizing how much we miss each other, how empty our lives seem without one another, and reconciling our emotional and psychological differences in order to restore the physical comfort of having another person there, loving you.

but this time isnt like the other times. this time it's real. so i'll just keep missing you until the hurt goes away.. or until i grow numb to it. this time i can say it, because it's still true, but i know that despite this fact, there is no going back.. i love you.