Fucking hell…

I thought I wasn’t going to go through the second step of the Kubler-Ross grieving process. I guess I was wrong… but I’m not angry about the loss.. I’m angry about other things..

What am I angry about? I don’t understand. Am I angry that he won’t talk to me? That’s stupid. What is it, then? Am I angry that he isn’t in the same place as me? That he’s reacting differently than I am? That I’m ready to re-establish some degree of normalcy, and he’s freezing me out? I’m more selfish than I thought. Whatever it is, I AM upset. And a little angry…

You know what? Fuck You. I don’t need to put up with your mood swings, and you being temperamental. I’m not the one who didn’t want to keep going. I’m not the one who said that we couldn’t keep enjoying the present, because of the prospect of eventual failure. Yeah, we were fighting a lot, but we were in love. And I don’t know about you, but for me, the pros of our being together definitely outweighed the cons. There are always going to be cons. And let’s face it: we went into it knowing that it wasn’t going to last forever. So don’t give me that bullshit about not being able to forget the future in order to live in the moment. We’ve done it so far... why couldn’t it last until the summer? I know that we agreed that we’re fundamentally incompatible. I’ve known that for a long time. So have you. How do you think it has felt for me? To have to lie to my family, the most important people in the world, to me. To know, deep down, that you would never be able to be my life partner.. because we ARE so incompatible.. but I had to put all of the hurt aside, because I was willing to make certain sacrifices. Not worry about the future, so that I would be able to enjoy the present. Right from the beginning, that was my concern: that at some point in the future, one of us would get hurt. That’s why I didn’t want to get into it, to start with… but I realized that I couldn’t keep shutting out love, and happiness, because I was worried about the future.

But you’ve made your decision, and while it still hurts, I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve accepted it. And I’m trying to move on. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but it is. And that’s fine. It’s probably better. If you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore, then I’m glad you told me the truth, rather than lying to me and pretending it was all okay. This is not how I wanted it to end, but it did. It’s over.

So, now you can do whatever it is you need to do. Have fun with it. And let me know when you’re ready to talk.