hey.. i feel better now. yay. staring at our combined schedule.. and im not crying! tested myself by calling, and even hearing his voice didnt hurt that much.

apparantly im going through the five stages of grief in a messed up order: i think i started with "depression" and "denial".. or.. more of a refusal to accept, than actual denial, i guess.. and now i think im "bargaining" a little.. no anger, yet. i cant be angry at him. i cant hate him. not yet, at least. and im definitely nowhere near acceptance.

i think i can deal with the way i feel right now, for a while.. which is basically just numbness. it's gotten to a point where it hurts so much that i cant even feel it anymore.

i want to see him.. bad idea, i know. but i dont want break-up sex or anything like that. i just.. want to SEE him. talking to him definitely helped. i think seeing him might make it better, too. coffee, or something. no alcohol. and in a group, or alone.. doesnt matter. i dont even care if we dont talk. i just want to see him... --> see, bargaining.

havent eaten since dinner last night.. maybe i should do that. okay.. im gonna go get some sushi..