im sorry.

i didnt want to do it. i really really REALLY didnt. but after that one slip, i realized that i havent really come to terms with it, after all. and i know that i said that i wanted things to get back to normal, as soon as possible. but.. i was wrong. i feel terrible about telling you that i want one thing, and then changing my mind. maybe that malice wasnt totally misdirected.

i wish i wasnt, but im still hurting.. and im going to need some time to deal with that before i can act as though everything's okay. this is not to say that im going to avoid you altogether, or that i dont want to see you, or that i dont want to talk to you.. i just cant do what we were doing today.. it's too soon to go back to the routine.. you checking to see if i've gone to class, nagging me to eat, seeing through my procrastination schemes... it was so familiar.. which is why i slipped. the instant i wrote it, i realized what i had done, and i was mortified, but it was too late. if i could take it back, i would. but i cant. and i cant promise that it wont happen again, unless i take some time to heal.

im not going to block you. i dont want to cut you out. we might have things to talk about soon. maybe not. please dont think that this is an indication of my not being open to conversation. i am more than ready to talk to you about anything.. as long as it's actually ABOUT something.. and not just random, aimless chatting.. im going to need a couple of days before im able to do that.

once again, im sorry. please dont be angry, or upset.