it's the little things... a toothbrush that i cant throw away. sheets that i cant change. a can of whipped cream that's going to stay in the fridge for a long time. the hospital mask that im not going to be able to take out of my wallet.

everywhere i look, there are reminders: a towel hanging on my door, a bag of hershey's kisses on my desk, a book on my bookshelf, nailpolish on my dresser, a box of water bottles, every song i listen to, the pink pillow on my bed, a sweater in my closet, a ring that is finally on my finger..

will the tears ever stop?

i dont know if i want them to. if i stop crying, it will be because it has stopped hurting. and if it stops hurting, that means i've stopped missing him; that im starting to be able to live without him; that im moving on; that im getting over him; that the amount of love i have for him is subsiding. i dont want that to happen.

i have been pretending more than i thought, over the past few months. along with all the pretending between the two of us, i have also pretended to the world that im stronger, and more nonchalant than i actually am. and i believed it. i was sure that i would be able to deal with this, when it eventually happened. i was sure that i was going to be the strong one. i guess i've learned more about myself since october 23rd than i thought.

oh no. "when you say nothing at all" by ronan keating just came on my playlist.. that was a good night. oh dear.. here they come again. but this time, they're different.. they're more hysterical: tears because it's over, combined with laughter at the recollection of the good times we shared. does this mean im getting better?