Posted today at my office:

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: Company Policy

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore, you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes; therefore, you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are where you need to be and therefore, you do not
need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a photograph will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture
will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get
5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.

(tee hee.. just kidding.. my office wouldnt do that.. we have foozball and pingpong and board games and tv in our lunch room.. and multiple kitchens with coffee, tea, cupasoup and the best hot chocolate i have tasted... and cool people.. and most people spend at least three hours a day on MSN.. it's awesome.. i love my job! my only complaint is that it keeps me REALLY busy, and totally tires me out, so by the time i come home i generally dont have the energy to update..)