i was not prepared for this. especially having handled the past few days as well as i think i have, i was not at all prepared for the horrible emotional and psychological damage that i would endure today.

i never expected to lose my self confidence. but today, i was dressed in a cute outfit, with hot underwear, and my hair was nicely done, as was my makeup.. i looked good. and yet, i havent felt so un-sexy, unattractive, unappealing for a long time.

i know that this is not the case, but changing back into pyjamas, i looked at my semi-undressed body in the mirror, and felt ugly.. unwanted. perhaps it's shallow for me to place so much weight on my physical appearance, but my self-esteem seems to have taken a drastic toll..

i HAVE accepted that the relationship is over. i really have. i know that this is for the best, and we have both known for a while that this was going to happen. however, there is a little part of me that is hurt and betrayed. a little part that feels that we should have fought to sustain our relationship. a little part of me that has died inside, having lost something that was so close to my heart.

i have a few articles of his clothing.. some of his underwear, one of his sweaters that he gave me.. i liked to wear them from time to time.. they made me feel closer to him, when we couldnt be together. now, even seeing them reminds me of what i cant have. what he has taken away from me. (yes, im blaming him a little for not trying to fight for me.. although, i would have done the same in his shoes, and i honestly DO feel that it was the best decision at this time)

we said we hoped to be friends. i hope that we will be. i couldnt bear to lose him entirely.