RFotD:
The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

Weight:
104 lbs

Consumption:
Not in the mood to recall..

Aimless Ramblings:
My parents don't like me. They "love" me, because I'm their daughter and so they feel obligated to do so, but their honest opinion is that I'm an ungrateful, irresponsible and dishonest slut who has squandered away the substantial investment that has been made in her. A burden. An expense. A failed venture.

Alex was crazy about me. He wanted me. He claimed that he loved me.. but what did HE know? We had only been dating for two or three weeks when he said that he loved me, for the first time. He believed that he was in love. Soon, I believed the same. But we were wrong. He was wrong. He obviously didn't love me. Not enough.

The hardest part is that so much of it is my own fault, basied on my own poor judgment of the inter-relationship. My parents made no bones about the fact that they disliked Alex. I chose him over them. I refused to break it off; I refused to make such a sacrifice. However, in the interest of self-preservation and maintaining some degree of civility and calm in my daily life, I wound up putting my relationship with him on hold. I saw him infrequentlyl I rarely spoke to him on the phone; I almost never was able to dedicate myelf to him, in Toronto, they way I could in Kingston.

At the time, it seemed to me like the only way to manage a difficult and painful situation. All it did was to make everything much worse. My parents grew increasingly disgusted with me; Alex grew increasingly frustrated; my own relationships with both grew increasingly strained.

Clearly, my relationship with my parents, no matter how difficult, would never dissolve. They are, after all, my parents. And more importantly than the connection of blood is the inescapable reality that I remain largely dependent on them, financially. There was no such tie binding Alex to me. Eventually, he caved. I suppose I can hardly blame him.

I was largely inclined to assert that Alex's desertion was due to the fact that he merely did not love me enough to be able to stick by me through the bad times as well as the good. I would be lying if I were to claim that I don't still feel betrayed by him in this way. Objectively, though, I can see why he did it. I see how he would have considered the relationship too painful.

I have gone through a series of emotions regarding Alex, over the past few months. I have thought him weak: unable, or unwilling, to fight for the girl he claimed to love; I have thought him noble: sacrificing his own happiness in order to reinstate a healthy relationship between me and my parents; I have thought him deceitful: asserting to love in order to reap the benefits of being in a relationship; and now, I think that perhaps he was merely cornered: forced to make a decision about a relationship that had become the cause of so much animosity and neglect.

Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I want nothing more than to be in his arms. Every day is different. And yet, every day it becomes a little easier to let go of the dream of "happily ever after" and to face the reality of never again.

Mood Tracker:
8