RFotD:
WAL-MART generates $3,000,000.00 in revenues every 7 minutes!

Weight:
104 lbs - dammit.. maybe i SHOULD improve my eating habits.

Consumption:
smarties
chocolate fudge pudding
pickles
1/2 egg salad sandwich
coke
rice & soy nugget curry

Aimless Ramblings:
I don't know why I feel so angsty. Part of it is definitely the fact that I'm rapidly coming to the realization that I'm a relationship person. I'm the type of girl who likes to be part of a couple. And I dont want to be that girl. I wish I was the kind of person who could be strong and confident and single; it's not that I assess self-worth based on having a man in my life, but I like having someone there to take care of; someone to take care of me.

And, yes, I suppose part of it is also that I am beginning to feel incredibly unattractive. All the years of insecurities are piling up again. AA didnt want to go out with me. AS didnt think I was worth being with. CS wasnt attracted to me. ML didnt want to follow up on anything. AL dumped me. And now.. AW doesnt want to pursue a relationship. What the fuck is it about me?

And I hate the way the whole AW thing went down. I feel... dirty.. cheap.. everytime I think about it. The worst thing is that I don't hate him. Sometimes I want to, but I dont. On the contrary, I really respect him. And that, perhaps, is the worst of it. Because... because of him, I have lost a little bit of respect for myself.

Anyway, I really hate that I want to be back in a relationship. Especially because right now, I know that I need to be single. There are so many issues that I need to work out. Issues I need to resolve on my own. I can't have anyone holding my hand through these. I need to fall down, and fuck up, and get kicked in the ass by life. I need to deal with the scrapes on my knees without having a team of medicos swarm in to disinfect, bandage and cosmetically retouch to remove all scars. I need to let them bleed. I need to learn to carry on the race, with cut knees. I need to learn to get through life with unsightly scars on my legs. That's something I really need to do alone.

So.. I'm generally feeling pretty crappy. And really wanting a potent drink to make it all better.

Mood Tracker:
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