RFotD:
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Weight:
104.7 lbs

Consumption:
tea
3/4 cinnamon raisin bagel, over-toasted (damn you, NY Tim's staff!) with cream cheese
coffee
Munchies
broccoli and cheese croissant
2 squares of lindt milk
a "shot" of smarties
way way waaaaaay too much celery

Aimless Ramblings:
So, I did two debatably stupid things today. One, I emailed Alex. Nothing personal, I just remembered that he was starting his new job sometime mid-October (which would be now-ish?) so I emailed him to wish him all the best for that. He did ask me to never contact him again. So he might delete it without reading it; or he might open it up. I just want him to know that I still care.. that I hope that he finds happiness and success in his life. Just because I don't want to be with him anymore doesn't mean he wasn't an important part of my life. I'm not going to say that there are no hard feelings between us. We all know that there are plenty of hard feelings. But I still hope that things work out for him...

The other thing that I did... I don't really want to talk about. Pretty much everyone who reads this blog already knows about it.. I've told most of you that I actually know outside of the blogosphere; the one person I haven't told already knows because it involves him. And anyway, there's not a lot to say on that subject yet. Perhaps there never will be. Who knows?

*

I had a few very interesting conversations over the past few days...

Cherry and I discussed Dating -- It occurred to me that this is something I've never done. NEVER. Crazy, eh? But let's look back:

High School. Firstly, I was in a girls school, and most of my extra-curricular activities involved only girls, so my interaction with boys was limited, as it was. In Grade 12, I grew very close to a particular group of boys from our brother school. Through activities with this group, met AA.. a remarkably attractive guy that, unfortunately, was fully aware of this fact. We interacted in rehearsals etc, and later occasionally chatted on the phone, but when I asked him to come to the semi-formal at my school with me, he turned me down, claiming to have hockey tickets for that evening. Later that same year, Adam (who had become a good friend, having acted as my "counterpart" in our leadership roles at our respective schools) asked me out, after a long and drawn out flirtation... and our interaction stayed exactly the same. We continued to exchange lengthy emails; we continued to chat for ages on the phone; we continued to hang out with what had merged into "our" group of friends in the Ville during lunch breaks... and then his mum told him that she didnt want him to date me, because she thought that I would break his heart.. and he obediently called the whole thing off. I was angry about this for a long time.. angry and hurt. My best friend's breakup with one of Adam's best friends, a few months later, did nothing to quell the rage. On the contrary, I began to develop a deep-seated distrust of the entire gender which incarnated itself as a cold, stand-offish manner through my...

...First Year. I casually flirted, of course, but I always maintained a respectable distance and refused to get close to anyone.

In Second Year, I began to hang out with a boy (Matt) that I had become friends with in first year, when he dated one of my girlfriends. We chatted online, and met up at parties and events, and somehow found ourselves in a relationship of sorts.. at least, it was a mutual attraction, which was demonstrated through much cuddling and holding hands.. until we realized that we were breaking every rule in the "code" ... we talked about it, decided to think it through, and I came back and said that it would be silly to not see where things go, since we clearly WERE attracted to one another.. he didnt agree, and that was that. (Woah! just noticed the parallels between the Matt and Adrian situations. ha! you'd think that I'd learn from past mistakes..) Mere weeks after the Matt chapter was closed once and for all, I had my first kiss. Got extraordinarily drunk after midterms, with a girlfriend (Emily) and a male acquaintance (Alex) and ended up making out with him on his bed, while watching The Lion King.. this "acquaintance" would go on to be my boyfriend for almost three years... we went on dates, but never really "dated" - we just sprang into a relationship. While I was with Alex, guys would hit on me and ask me for my contact info etc.. Darian was a notable example... But I was with Alex, so, obviously, there was no dating going on there... except, of course, the one super-sketchy guy (KB) that AL insisted that I go for a drink with.. but he knew I was in a committed relationship and was only looking to be friends.. so that didnt really count as a date.

And Since Alex.. well, I suppose if I look at it purely technically, Adrian did ask me out. It was his idea to go for a drink after work, that first week; and he did also suggest going out the next evening.. but it's only a date if both people know that it's a date, right? So.. these weren't dates. This was two coworkers hanging out; colleagues comparing notes on their new jobs, and gradually getting to be friends. So, I have never been actually "asked out"... and I've never "dated"... I have no horror stories from first dates gone awry; I have nothing to look back on but failed relationships... sad, really. I feel like there's a huge part of the growing up process that I've entirely missed out on..

LZ and I discussed boy psychology. What is it that allows boys to shut off their emotional responses, and where do I get one? No, seriously. How do they do it? How can a guy be totally into, unable to keep his hands off, madly infatuated with you one day, and then completely detached, cold and removed the next? I'm not saying that everyone should get as emotionally involved in everything as I do. I readily admit that my level of emotional attachment to things borders on ridiculous. But.. how do boys manage to simply not react? Is it because they merely do not create the same emotional connections that girls do? Or are they just remarkably tough skinned? It's almost easier to believe that they're just in it for the sex. That they were just saying everything they said in order to impress you into believing that they really felt something for you; that they genuinely wanted to be with YOU. At least that way we don't have to feel that they're overriding their emotions. Like.. to know that a guy actually cares about you, but is pushing aside his feelings because of something that he feels is "more important" really hurts.

LZ and I discussed sex. We like it. We miss it. There was more to each of the conversations than that, but I don't particularly want to be flagged as an X-rated blog by going into details about this particular conversation. Suffice it to say, it was very explicit.. and very enjoyable..

Mood Tracker:
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