RFotD:
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
(Which I experienced today! The word was "sector"... as in "sector weightings")

Weight:
103.6 lbs

Consumption:
Cheddar cheese omelette on a sourdough baguette
Romaine, corn and cucumber salad (ate around the kidney beans.. )
Boiled potatoes and beets with Boursin
Quiche

Aimless Ramblings:
Had a nice long conversation with JC (not Dwayne.. the other one) which was long overdue, considering the angsty state I've been existing in over the past few weeks.

A few days ago, AW read this blog. He later sent me a message, saying that I was wrong about him, but well within my rights to feel the way I do. He also suggested that he owed me an explanation. When I saw him the next day, I made it clear to him that he didnt owe me anything. There was no need for him to attempt to justify anything. We had made a mistake; and while I was angry and upset at myself for the way that I had conducted myself, and frustrated at the world in general, I did not hate him. And I didnt feel that he owed me any explanations. Basically, I indicated that whatever he had to say, I didn't want to hear it.

Typically, he had taken everything I had said, and spun it to be about him. True, a lot of the ranting *was* technically about him and our "relationship". But really, he was almost a symbol. He represented all my naivete, vulnerability, and trust. The entry was actually about me. I talked about the beginning of our friendship.. how sweet and attentive he was.. it wasnt because I particularly miss that behaviour.. it was more an illustration of the difference between then and now; the difference between my comfort levels with him. It's not that I want him to call me "Kitten" again. It's that we had a familiarity and ease that has been replaced with awkward discomfort.

He didnt do anything wrong. Just like I didnt do anything wrong. We just... didnt think. And now that we've thought about it, we (or at least I) have some regrets. If I could go back and do it over again... well, I wouldnt do it over again. I would have nipped it in the bud and avoided all the drama. But, there's no going back. There's no doing it over. So the best thing to do is to forget it ever happened, right? As though the colleague and the boy are two completely separate entities. As if I had never gotten involved with him at all.

The problem, of course, arises from the fact that I'm still hurting. I'm hurting about Alex. And I'm hurting about the way things turned out with Adrian. And I'm hurting about the fact that I never seem to learn: all the years that I've been trying to detach myself; trying to be strong and independent; trying not to be the girl that defines herself as a function of the men in her life; trying not to be the girl whose entire thought process revolves around boys.. and what have I become? THAT GIRL. Giggling, simpering, shallow and idiotic. I have so little respect for myself at the moment. But the reality is that it does hurt. I'm trying to figure out who I am, and what I want out of life, and seeing myself turning into something I have always ridiculed is very difficult. And it's not just Alex and Adrian. It was Adam. And Matt. And.. the fact that I never learn from my mistakes. Time and time again, I let my guard down. I convince myself that "This one's different" and that I shouldn't be so cold. I give in to emotions, and allow myself to get hurt. Nothing can hurt you if you dont feel anything. And yet I always let myself begin to have feelings. I let myself be vulnerable. And I hate that I do that. I hate that time and time again I get swept away, and ignore that cynical, bitter voice in my head that warns me to stay away. I hate it because that voice is always right. And the voice always comes back, two weeks, a month, a year later, to say "I Told You So!"

This is what I'm upset about, Adrian. It's not you at all. You havent done anything wrong. Unless, perhaps, we count your getting involved when you knew you werent ready. Which wasnt really any worse than what I did. Except I was upfront about it, and you werent. But.. I don't blame you. I'm a pretty open book (another thing I don't like about myself) so of course I would tell you exactly where I stood. There is nothing wrong with the fact that you were more reserved about yourself. This is why I said that you don't owe me anything. It wasnt because I don't care. Not because I don't want to hear what you have to say in your own defence. Not because I hate you. It was merely because I don't think you have anything to justify. And I don't want you to think that I feel cheated or wronged by you. I dont.

Of course, my sober second voice came through for me and reminded me that even though I dont blame you, I AM still hurting. And I DO have questions. She pointed out that your offer of an explanation was necessarily a justification: it's just some answers. You extended an olive branch, and I turned it down. I'm sorry... I do want to hear what you have to say. I do care what you have been through; what you continue to go through.

But I'm scared. I'm scared to hear you out. I'm scared of how it will make me feel. I'm scared THAT it will make me feel. I'm scared that I will let my guard down AGAIN. I'm scared of being vulnerable AGAIN. I'm scared of ignoring that voice that is telling me to cut my losses and stay away; scared that it will be right, AGAIN.

Mood Tracker:
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