Bad Me

I did something stupid today. Stupid and insensitive.

I promised him that I would respect his need for time and space, and I have done the exact opposite: a fine beginning to our future friendship.

I messaged him over MSN, to let him know that I accepted that this was the best decision to make, and that I held no hard feelings towards him. This might not have been a very respectful thing to do, but I wanted him to know... to help his own grieving process along.

Today, I phoned his cell phone. I miss him so much and I just want to hear his voice. Just before he picked up, however, I realized what a stupid idea it was and quickly hung up. I still miss him.. and his voice.. but I'll just have to be patient for now, I suppose.

Depeche Mode Made Me Cry

SHAKE THE DISEASE

Im not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Cant you see its misery
And torture for me
When Im misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, Ive tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now Ive got things to do
And Ive said before that I know you have too
When Im not there
In spirit Ill be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me


SEE YOU

All I want to do is see you again
Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to see your sweet smile
Smiled the way it was before

Well Ill try not to hold you
And Ill try not to kiss you
And I wont even touch you

All I want to do is see you
Dont you know that its true

I remember the days when wed walk through the woods
And sit on a bench for a while
I treasure the way we used to laugh and play
And look in each others eyes

You can keep me at a distance if you dont trust my resistance
But I swear I wont touch you

All I want to do is see you
Dont you know that its true

Well I know five years is a long time
And that times change (oh that times change)
But I think that you will find
People are basically the same (basically the same)

If the waters still flowing, we can go for a swim
And do the things we used to do
And if Im reluctant you can pull me in
And we can relive our youth

Oh but well stay friendly like sister and brother
Though I think I still love you
All I want to do is see you
Dont you know that its true?

i was not prepared for this. especially having handled the past few days as well as i think i have, i was not at all prepared for the horrible emotional and psychological damage that i would endure today.

i never expected to lose my self confidence. but today, i was dressed in a cute outfit, with hot underwear, and my hair was nicely done, as was my makeup.. i looked good. and yet, i havent felt so un-sexy, unattractive, unappealing for a long time.

i know that this is not the case, but changing back into pyjamas, i looked at my semi-undressed body in the mirror, and felt ugly.. unwanted. perhaps it's shallow for me to place so much weight on my physical appearance, but my self-esteem seems to have taken a drastic toll..

i HAVE accepted that the relationship is over. i really have. i know that this is for the best, and we have both known for a while that this was going to happen. however, there is a little part of me that is hurt and betrayed. a little part that feels that we should have fought to sustain our relationship. a little part of me that has died inside, having lost something that was so close to my heart.

i have a few articles of his clothing.. some of his underwear, one of his sweaters that he gave me.. i liked to wear them from time to time.. they made me feel closer to him, when we couldnt be together. now, even seeing them reminds me of what i cant have. what he has taken away from me. (yes, im blaming him a little for not trying to fight for me.. although, i would have done the same in his shoes, and i honestly DO feel that it was the best decision at this time)

we said we hoped to be friends. i hope that we will be. i couldnt bear to lose him entirely.

i suppose i'll have to return to blogging.

for the past two and a half years, i've had - for the first time - someone in my life that i could turn to for anything. someone on whom i could rely to support me, and be there for me, no matter what.

whether it was a time of personal crisis, like cutting, or simply a bad day, i always had a shoulder to cry on.. someone to hold me close, and tell me that everything would be okay.
i dont have that anymore, and so when the emotions (whether good or bad) become overwhelming, i will once again turn to this blog to help me sort through the mess and work out some sort of equilibrium..

*~*

it's funny.. we've known for a while that this was an inevitable eventuality, and so i think i've been going through the process of grieving since we first discussed it.

i spent a lot of time in denial, refusing to believe that anything could destroy our happiness. i was briefly angry about the circumstances, but quickly began to bargain with myself, and spent weeks trying to work out a way to change circumstances which were out of my control. immediately after it became reality, i was, of course, extremely upset.. the garbage can in my room is filled, entirely with tissues that i used through all the crying.. but i very quickly moved on to acceptance.

this is just how it has to be. it sucks, but there are things that we cant change that DO affect us, whether we like it or not. in an ideal world, nothing would matter except what we feel, and what we want.. but in real life, things like distance, and careers, and families DO make a difference. i like to think that perhaps one day we will both be established, and able to reconnect, possibly even living happily ever after, but life is not a fairytale. life does, however, go on... and we must learn to go on, with it.

on the night of October 30th, 2003, you wrote:

"it's so nice. i mean, to know the world isn't ALWAYS against you. and that good things DO happen. i don't even so much mind that i can't sleep."

it is now over two and a half years later, may 13, 2006:

tonight, I'M the one that can't sleep. you see, i've realized that the few good things that DO happen, will eventually turn to shit. it's all part of life's plan to screw you over. first it appeases your suspicion with something good, and makes you lower your guard, makes you expose your vulnerabilities, and then.. BAM! it punches you in the gut, to remind you that the world IS always against you.

it's not as though i hadnt seen it coming. it wasnt unexpected, or out of the blue. but even when you are warned, the punch in the gut still hurts like hell. i suppose it's human nature to be inherently naive and trusting. to believe that despite all obstacles, love will find a way. perhaps i watch too many romantic comedies. i guess i was right, back in October 2003, when i claimed that a relationship can only end in tears.

maybe love is not enough.

or maybe, there just wasnt enough love.