RFotD:
The largest number of children born to one woman is recorded at 69. From 1725-1765, a Russian peasant woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets.
(!!!)

Weight:
107.2 lbs

Consumption:
Zucchini
2 chaps
Apple
Rice

Aimless Ramblings:
Time Change
Today is one of my favourite days of the year. The day that clocks turn back. After all, who doesn’t love waking up and realizing that it's an hour EARLIER than you thought it was? This day is right up there with the day after Halloween, November 1st, or the day that it's officially acceptable to play Christmas music. (Only 3 more sleeps before that day! I can't wait!!)

Work
Last week was an interesting week. At work, things got a lot more interesting (and a lot more busy... perhaps I shouldn’t have complained so much about my lack of stimulation) as I took on a series of projects that should allow me to prove myself at the office; hopefully people in higher level positions will take notice of my initiative and dedication etc. Of course, I stupidly failed to consider the fact that taking on new, tougher projects wouldn’t make the mundane aspects of my job go away: I still have to do those things, but now I have MORE things to do. Goodbye, life. I am officially becoming a workaholic.

Goals
Which brings me to my next topic... a few days ago, I lunched with some friends that work with me. All three of us began in our roles this past summer, and we were discussing the fact that since we started, our lives have begun to revolve around work. None of us realized that this position (we all do the same thing) would become so all-consuming. But we frequently find ourselves working through lunch; staying at the office until 7pm; this weekend, I even found myself emailing my two managers an article I read in the paper that I thought that they might find interesting, as it pertained to one of our products. Does this make me committed to my job, or unbalanced? What am I working so hard for? Our parents worked very hard to get ahead. The harder they worked, the faster they’d get ahead. For their generation, life was all about “getting ahead” which translated to “Getting More Stuff” – they measured their success by the material things that they could buy, and were never contented with what they had. Rather than consumer products being tools for them to use, they began to define their owners. No longer could someone be comfortable owning a house and a car to get them from place to place... they always wanted a BIGGER house; a flashier, more expensive car; more expensive gadgets. Our parents’ generation has the highest ever divorce rate. Coincidence? I think not. Our generation, on the other hand, is much more concerned with finding that work-life balance. Being comfortable, is important, but what is the point of having the big house, flashy car, and expensive gadgets if you don’t have time to enjoy them, or people to enjoy them with? I am, admittedly, fairly superficial and shallow. I like having nice material things. I like being able to afford to splurge on a whim. But if I had to choose between a lifestyle of living in a fabulous million dollar downtown condo, all by myself; or living in a $250,000 home in the suburbs with a loving family, I’d pick the suburbian home any day. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family that was financially comfortable. But work always came first for my parents. My dad would leave the house before we woke up in the morning, and come home after we went to bed. It was ALWAYS about getting ahead; getting more thing; getting nicer versions of the same things. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want my family, or my relationships to be second to anything.

Trust
Andrew, at Love, Honor and Dismay, posted an interesting parable and question this weekend. How does trust work within a parent-child relationship? I dont have kids, so I clearly cant see both sides of this issue... but I know that trust is something that is a constant cause of conflict between myself and my parents. I frequently feel as though I stand at a trust level of zero, in my parents' eyes, and it's almost as though they are expecting me to mess up.. and because they don't trust me, I don’t trust them: it's a catch-22 situation, because I am extraordinarily uncomfortable talking to them, or opening up to them, because I'm afraid of how they will react; I don't want to push any buttons, or give them any reason to further belittle my decision making skills, so I just don't tell them anything at all. As a 22 year old, I feel that I need to be able to make my own mistakes. Yes, I will screw up. Mistakes are an important part of life. I think a parent's role is to raise their children to know right from wrong, and to give their children the tools with which to make decisions, and then trust their discretion to make use of these lessons.


Those are my ramblings for today. There's a lot more I had to say, on a more personal note, but I'm tired now... that will all have to wait until tomorrow.

Mood Tracker:
61

Aimless Ramblings:
I miss The Ex so much. I hate him, but I still miss him. He was a huge part of my life for a long, long time, and it is very weird to not have him there anymore. I don't want him back. I don't want to have him there FOR me. I just miss knowing what's going on with him. I miss knowing that he's okay. I'm worried. I know he has got a lot going on, and I want so much to be able to call him to check on him.. to make sure the family is okay.. to find out how things are working out for him.. to make sure he's sleeping properly, and taking care of himself.

I hate that our friendship was destroyed by something so stupid. Thinking about it, I'm not sure whether it was what I did or the fact that I wasnt honest with him about it that he was upset by. He didnt have a right to be upset by my actions, so it must have been the lying. I was trying to protect him. I've been doing that a lot lately: omitting to tell the truth to avoid hurting people, I mean. And it always lands me in more trouble than when I started.

So, perhaps the solution is to ensure that the people never find the truth. Of course, if I had my way, it would all be like that. Realistically, however, as we all know, the truth will eventually come out. And when it does, the people you were trying to shelter will be twice as hurt as everyone else.

It's the paradox of honesty.

Mood Tracker:
23

Happy October 23rd.

RFotD:
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
(And that's why I'm so healthy!)

Weight:
107.8 lbs (!!!!!!!)

Consumption:
Tim's garden vegetable sandwich on a bagel, with cream cheese
Coffee
A few timbits
Vegetable Stirfry
Caesar Salad
A few squares of Peanut Butter Dairy Milk
Udon Noodles
Szechuan Eggplant
Rice


Aimless Ramblings:
How do I always manage to land myself in these ridiculous situations? I mean, really, it cant just be the world being comprised of idiots, as I initially believed, because the common factor is me.. it's GOT to be something I'm doing that is making my life so full of drama. Perhaps I'm putting something out there, as a vibe, that gives people the wrong idea about me. Or perhaps I'm just extraordinarily naïve. Perhaps it's a little bit of both. I don't know.

Let's examine the events of the past few weeks: First, I hook up with Mr. Emotional Baggage… against my better judgment, because of an extraordinarily strong physical and sexual attraction. We rush through things, and then realize that we've taken everything way too fast and decide to take a bit of a break to figure out where we stand. Have a huge fight with The Ex, (by the way, I've decided that it's not very nice to be using people's real names, so from henceforth, everyone will be referred to obscurely) and then make up again as we admit that we still love each other. He buys me extravagant gifts and I tell him that even though I love him, I don't think I can go back to the relationship. We continue as friends, until I tell him that I had hooked up with Mr Baggage, at which point The Ex goes ballistic and starts being extremely harsh and hurtful, and cuts himself off from me entirely.. but not before giving me ample grounds to hate him.

A couple of weeks later (later than the hookup, that is.. and at the same time that the Ex decides he hates me) Baggage and I are out getting drunk with mutual acquaintances, and I kiss him.. just to see whether I'd still feel sparks... or anything. I didn't. He makes me promise him that I will never do that again. I promise. He also says that he thinks it's really good that we decided not to date. The next day, of course, I have sobered up and begin to analyze this. A) When did we decide not to date? B) Why would he ask me to never kiss him again? I thought we just wanted to slow things down and give each other some space to figure things out? Does this mean we're officially never going to pursue anything? Is the whole me + Baggage experience going to be chalked up to bad judgment and a sexual encounter that we both regret as a mistake? I'm very confused about all this.

Last weekend, I got together with an old friend for a cup of coffee. We were quite close in high school: he was at our brother school, and we worked together on several extra-curricular projects for promoting multiculturalism through the arts (specifically dance, so this guy will be known as Dandiya). Our two groups of friends (my circle from our all girls school) and his group ended up merging into one. As this convergence took place, a lot of internal dating started to occur: S and L, (I won't talk about them a lot, so I'm not coming up with monikers for them) who had previously known each other from their ski club, started going out; then Dandiya and my best friend ("Alaska") started dating, and eventually AS (again, probably won't be talking about him a lot) asked me if I would be interested in "adding meaning to all of his words" (such cheese, from an 18 year old..); all of these couplings eventually disbanded... interestingly enough, the breakups also got increasingly messy. About a week after he asked me out, AS dumped me because his mother thought I was a heartbreaker, and basically forbade her son from getting involved in a relationship with me; I was angry and bitter and proceeded to hate him, very cordially, for the rest of the summer. Dandiya and Alaska were together for almost six months, spending the last two together cross-continentally. Things became difficult, and he broke up with her one night, as he realized that he wasn’t willing to commit to her for the long term. They both phoned me that night, and I spent hours hearing both sides of the story. While, of course, I completely backed Alaska 100% (since she is my best friend and I am fiercely loyal) I did also understand what Dandiya’s motivations had been. I don’t think I condoned the way he tackled the situation, but I saw that his intentions were good. He and I stayed friends (and Alaska, though heartbroken, was alright with this) and intermittently kept in touch over the years that we were at university, on a superficial level, seeing each other at parties over the summer etc. This past summer, however, we had both just moved back from university, and we found that we were both freshly single. He was intrigued, and apparently I was encouraging. (I think I need to work on that – there seems to be a fine line between friendly informality and flirtatiousness; and a lot of the time I think people get the wrong impression) Anyway, so Dandiya and I had coffee together the other day. After he dropped me off at home, I noticed to myself that the entire course of the evening had been remarkably date-like. A few days later, during a casual conversation with Dandiya, he asked me out. I indicated that I wouldn’t be able to participate in something like that, regardless of everything else. We’re going to stay friends.

Then, I randomly got back in touch with a guy that I was acquainted with in high school, through an extra-curricular activity that we were both involved in. It was Model Parliament, and he was my party leader, and the Leader of the Opposition the first year I participated, and a fellow caucus member on the Government Side the second. While we weren’t friends, per se, we were well enough acquainted to recognize one another a year and a half later when we happened to walk past each other in the financial district where we were both interning for the summer. We arranged to "do lunch" after which we did the obligatory exchange of contact information that we never intended to use. A year later, on our way to our summer internships, we ran into each other on the subway train, made small talk for the half hour commute, and made empty promises to stay in touch. A little over a year after that, I was drunkenly wandering down the street with some friends, during our homecoming weekend celebrations, and I hear my name being called out. I turn around to see Leader of the Opposition amongst a group of people, grinning at me. I found out that he was in town visiting some friends, and they were having a house party the next evening which he insisted I should come to. I agreed that I'd try to stop by, and gave him my number so that he could contact me with the details. We played a little bit of phone tag, but I didn't end up going to his friend's party. Then, this summer, out of the blue, I received a Facebook friend request from him. Facebook is great for things like this. You can touch base with old acquaintances, and stay in contact without the obligations of friendship, or awkwardness of getting to know someone. In any case, he added me to Facebook and we would intermittently drop a line back and forth. He told me that he was in South America on contract, and suggested we catch up when he got back. When he moved back to the city, he sent me an email to set up a time to meet up for some drinks. We're getting together next week. Is this going to turn into another debacle?


Mood Tracker:
52

RFotD:
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
(Which I experienced today! The word was "sector"... as in "sector weightings")

Weight:
103.6 lbs

Consumption:
Cheddar cheese omelette on a sourdough baguette
Romaine, corn and cucumber salad (ate around the kidney beans.. )
Boiled potatoes and beets with Boursin
Quiche

Aimless Ramblings:
Had a nice long conversation with JC (not Dwayne.. the other one) which was long overdue, considering the angsty state I've been existing in over the past few weeks.

A few days ago, AW read this blog. He later sent me a message, saying that I was wrong about him, but well within my rights to feel the way I do. He also suggested that he owed me an explanation. When I saw him the next day, I made it clear to him that he didnt owe me anything. There was no need for him to attempt to justify anything. We had made a mistake; and while I was angry and upset at myself for the way that I had conducted myself, and frustrated at the world in general, I did not hate him. And I didnt feel that he owed me any explanations. Basically, I indicated that whatever he had to say, I didn't want to hear it.

Typically, he had taken everything I had said, and spun it to be about him. True, a lot of the ranting *was* technically about him and our "relationship". But really, he was almost a symbol. He represented all my naivete, vulnerability, and trust. The entry was actually about me. I talked about the beginning of our friendship.. how sweet and attentive he was.. it wasnt because I particularly miss that behaviour.. it was more an illustration of the difference between then and now; the difference between my comfort levels with him. It's not that I want him to call me "Kitten" again. It's that we had a familiarity and ease that has been replaced with awkward discomfort.

He didnt do anything wrong. Just like I didnt do anything wrong. We just... didnt think. And now that we've thought about it, we (or at least I) have some regrets. If I could go back and do it over again... well, I wouldnt do it over again. I would have nipped it in the bud and avoided all the drama. But, there's no going back. There's no doing it over. So the best thing to do is to forget it ever happened, right? As though the colleague and the boy are two completely separate entities. As if I had never gotten involved with him at all.

The problem, of course, arises from the fact that I'm still hurting. I'm hurting about Alex. And I'm hurting about the way things turned out with Adrian. And I'm hurting about the fact that I never seem to learn: all the years that I've been trying to detach myself; trying to be strong and independent; trying not to be the girl that defines herself as a function of the men in her life; trying not to be the girl whose entire thought process revolves around boys.. and what have I become? THAT GIRL. Giggling, simpering, shallow and idiotic. I have so little respect for myself at the moment. But the reality is that it does hurt. I'm trying to figure out who I am, and what I want out of life, and seeing myself turning into something I have always ridiculed is very difficult. And it's not just Alex and Adrian. It was Adam. And Matt. And.. the fact that I never learn from my mistakes. Time and time again, I let my guard down. I convince myself that "This one's different" and that I shouldn't be so cold. I give in to emotions, and allow myself to get hurt. Nothing can hurt you if you dont feel anything. And yet I always let myself begin to have feelings. I let myself be vulnerable. And I hate that I do that. I hate that time and time again I get swept away, and ignore that cynical, bitter voice in my head that warns me to stay away. I hate it because that voice is always right. And the voice always comes back, two weeks, a month, a year later, to say "I Told You So!"

This is what I'm upset about, Adrian. It's not you at all. You havent done anything wrong. Unless, perhaps, we count your getting involved when you knew you werent ready. Which wasnt really any worse than what I did. Except I was upfront about it, and you werent. But.. I don't blame you. I'm a pretty open book (another thing I don't like about myself) so of course I would tell you exactly where I stood. There is nothing wrong with the fact that you were more reserved about yourself. This is why I said that you don't owe me anything. It wasnt because I don't care. Not because I don't want to hear what you have to say in your own defence. Not because I hate you. It was merely because I don't think you have anything to justify. And I don't want you to think that I feel cheated or wronged by you. I dont.

Of course, my sober second voice came through for me and reminded me that even though I dont blame you, I AM still hurting. And I DO have questions. She pointed out that your offer of an explanation was necessarily a justification: it's just some answers. You extended an olive branch, and I turned it down. I'm sorry... I do want to hear what you have to say. I do care what you have been through; what you continue to go through.

But I'm scared. I'm scared to hear you out. I'm scared of how it will make me feel. I'm scared THAT it will make me feel. I'm scared that I will let my guard down AGAIN. I'm scared of being vulnerable AGAIN. I'm scared of ignoring that voice that is telling me to cut my losses and stay away; scared that it will be right, AGAIN.

Mood Tracker:
54

RFotD:
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Weight:
104.7 lbs

Consumption:
tea
3/4 cinnamon raisin bagel, over-toasted (damn you, NY Tim's staff!) with cream cheese
coffee
Munchies
broccoli and cheese croissant
2 squares of lindt milk
a "shot" of smarties
way way waaaaaay too much celery

Aimless Ramblings:
So, I did two debatably stupid things today. One, I emailed Alex. Nothing personal, I just remembered that he was starting his new job sometime mid-October (which would be now-ish?) so I emailed him to wish him all the best for that. He did ask me to never contact him again. So he might delete it without reading it; or he might open it up. I just want him to know that I still care.. that I hope that he finds happiness and success in his life. Just because I don't want to be with him anymore doesn't mean he wasn't an important part of my life. I'm not going to say that there are no hard feelings between us. We all know that there are plenty of hard feelings. But I still hope that things work out for him...

The other thing that I did... I don't really want to talk about. Pretty much everyone who reads this blog already knows about it.. I've told most of you that I actually know outside of the blogosphere; the one person I haven't told already knows because it involves him. And anyway, there's not a lot to say on that subject yet. Perhaps there never will be. Who knows?

*

I had a few very interesting conversations over the past few days...

Cherry and I discussed Dating -- It occurred to me that this is something I've never done. NEVER. Crazy, eh? But let's look back:

High School. Firstly, I was in a girls school, and most of my extra-curricular activities involved only girls, so my interaction with boys was limited, as it was. In Grade 12, I grew very close to a particular group of boys from our brother school. Through activities with this group, met AA.. a remarkably attractive guy that, unfortunately, was fully aware of this fact. We interacted in rehearsals etc, and later occasionally chatted on the phone, but when I asked him to come to the semi-formal at my school with me, he turned me down, claiming to have hockey tickets for that evening. Later that same year, Adam (who had become a good friend, having acted as my "counterpart" in our leadership roles at our respective schools) asked me out, after a long and drawn out flirtation... and our interaction stayed exactly the same. We continued to exchange lengthy emails; we continued to chat for ages on the phone; we continued to hang out with what had merged into "our" group of friends in the Ville during lunch breaks... and then his mum told him that she didnt want him to date me, because she thought that I would break his heart.. and he obediently called the whole thing off. I was angry about this for a long time.. angry and hurt. My best friend's breakup with one of Adam's best friends, a few months later, did nothing to quell the rage. On the contrary, I began to develop a deep-seated distrust of the entire gender which incarnated itself as a cold, stand-offish manner through my...

...First Year. I casually flirted, of course, but I always maintained a respectable distance and refused to get close to anyone.

In Second Year, I began to hang out with a boy (Matt) that I had become friends with in first year, when he dated one of my girlfriends. We chatted online, and met up at parties and events, and somehow found ourselves in a relationship of sorts.. at least, it was a mutual attraction, which was demonstrated through much cuddling and holding hands.. until we realized that we were breaking every rule in the "code" ... we talked about it, decided to think it through, and I came back and said that it would be silly to not see where things go, since we clearly WERE attracted to one another.. he didnt agree, and that was that. (Woah! just noticed the parallels between the Matt and Adrian situations. ha! you'd think that I'd learn from past mistakes..) Mere weeks after the Matt chapter was closed once and for all, I had my first kiss. Got extraordinarily drunk after midterms, with a girlfriend (Emily) and a male acquaintance (Alex) and ended up making out with him on his bed, while watching The Lion King.. this "acquaintance" would go on to be my boyfriend for almost three years... we went on dates, but never really "dated" - we just sprang into a relationship. While I was with Alex, guys would hit on me and ask me for my contact info etc.. Darian was a notable example... But I was with Alex, so, obviously, there was no dating going on there... except, of course, the one super-sketchy guy (KB) that AL insisted that I go for a drink with.. but he knew I was in a committed relationship and was only looking to be friends.. so that didnt really count as a date.

And Since Alex.. well, I suppose if I look at it purely technically, Adrian did ask me out. It was his idea to go for a drink after work, that first week; and he did also suggest going out the next evening.. but it's only a date if both people know that it's a date, right? So.. these weren't dates. This was two coworkers hanging out; colleagues comparing notes on their new jobs, and gradually getting to be friends. So, I have never been actually "asked out"... and I've never "dated"... I have no horror stories from first dates gone awry; I have nothing to look back on but failed relationships... sad, really. I feel like there's a huge part of the growing up process that I've entirely missed out on..

LZ and I discussed boy psychology. What is it that allows boys to shut off their emotional responses, and where do I get one? No, seriously. How do they do it? How can a guy be totally into, unable to keep his hands off, madly infatuated with you one day, and then completely detached, cold and removed the next? I'm not saying that everyone should get as emotionally involved in everything as I do. I readily admit that my level of emotional attachment to things borders on ridiculous. But.. how do boys manage to simply not react? Is it because they merely do not create the same emotional connections that girls do? Or are they just remarkably tough skinned? It's almost easier to believe that they're just in it for the sex. That they were just saying everything they said in order to impress you into believing that they really felt something for you; that they genuinely wanted to be with YOU. At least that way we don't have to feel that they're overriding their emotions. Like.. to know that a guy actually cares about you, but is pushing aside his feelings because of something that he feels is "more important" really hurts.

LZ and I discussed sex. We like it. We miss it. There was more to each of the conversations than that, but I don't particularly want to be flagged as an X-rated blog by going into details about this particular conversation. Suffice it to say, it was very explicit.. and very enjoyable..

Mood Tracker:
43

RFotD:
American car horns beep in the tone of F.

Weight:
105.6 lbs .... ugh.

Consumption:
a bowl of an indian style risotto dish for breakfast
a mini bag of doritos
a granny smith apple
five (!!!!!) tacos (seriously... and I wonder why I'm getting so obese!)

Aimless Ramblings:
"Do you really think that way about me? That I never do anything nice for you?"

In a word, yes. I do think that way about him.

But it’s a little more complicated than that. I don’t dislike him. I don’t think that he does anything extraordinarily disagreeable, or intentionally avoids doing anything nice for me. And when I say that I like him less each day, I don’t mean that I am beginning to dislike him... I just feel as though we are drifting away from being friends towards being "common and indifferent acquaintances." I don’t feel that I have reason to particularly enjoy his company any more. We still talk, and hang out, and act as though everything is exactly the same: as though nothing has happened at all. And I can’t speak for him, but I hate it. I think it’s awkward and uncomfortable. Which is why I turn into that girl around him: the girl I hate. I laugh at inane comments that aren’t at all funny, because what I really want to do is to cry. And I make snide, bitter comments that project my anger at myself as resentment towards him.

When we first met, he was genteel and charming, gentle and witty, sensitive and considerate... he lavished attention on me: from the incessant exchange of text messages and emails, to the suggestive looks and comments at work; from the all-night MSN conversations to the lunchtime "walks;" from the nightly drink-ups to the boyish grin that would light up his face when he saw me.. he made me feel attractive, physically and intellectually, as well as sexually.

I was wary... and yet I was vulnerable. I wanted so much to believe that I was going to be okay. Alex had ripped my heart out, and stomped on it before spitting on it and walking away. I wanted to believe that I could pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with my life, without so much as looking back. When Alex dumped me, I felt like my life was over; as though I no longer had any reason to persevere. I was terrified that all my fears about intimacy had ultimately been proven to be true.

Then he came along, and made me feel wanted and alluring.. we grew so close: I could share my thoughts with him; we could be intimate on an intellectual level. He endeared himself to me. He called me "Princess" and "Kitten"... he confided in me that he missed me; that he was a tad jealous about the idea of my being with other guys; he told me that he thought about our chemistry... we had chemistry... that was what he made me believe. We clicked in so many ways: we had similar interests; similar goals and ambitions; similar tastes... we understood each other's backgrounds and lifestyles... we had unbelievable sexual compatibility.

It seemed too good to be true. Everything about him, and us, raised a red flag: warning me that he was TOO charming, TOO comfortable, TOO confident... warning me that he was playing me... warning me that I was setting myself up to get hurt. I didnt want to hear it. I didnt want to believe it. I ignored the voices and dove in, head first.

And (I suppose it was inevitable) I ended up heartbroken once again. Except.. not by him. I was more disappointed in myself. I practically jumped into bed with this guy. Contrary to everything I said I wanted; everything I thought I believed in. He barely even had to try to get me to agree. And the minute I slept with him, he lost interest. He insists that this wasnt the case, but really, that's what it feels like. As soon as the "objective" of getting me into bed was achieved, he lost all interest. The charm, the consideration, the attention... it all disappeared. It was replaced by an attitude of disdainful superiority..

There's a part of me that insists that this is all for the best; that I should have trusted my gut instinct to not get involved, and be glad that it didnt amount to anything. But on the other hand, I cant help hoping that we'll eventually work something out.. figure out our own lives, and establish how we can give things between us a fair chance.

When we first talked about where we stood, and what we wanted, we agreed that we werent ready for "the level of emotional intimacy that would be involved with a regular sexual relationship" but also agreed that we were attracted to one another, and that we needed to give ourselves time to get to know each other, rather than putting our lives on the fast-track, and trying to create a relationship that was "bright and shiny without any real foundations." So, I thought, we would continue to spend time together; continue to socialize; and proceed to learn more about ourselves and each other.. not even dating: going back to being friends.. and somehow, that fell apart. Sometimes it seems like we can barely tolerate each other. The lighthearted banter seems to have morphed into vicious verbal sparring; the casual flirtation has developed into a deep-seated resentment. I dont know what happened; I dont understand what changed. Apart from the sex. Can sex, when both parties agree that it was a mistake, really change everything so much? Will things ever go back to the way they were? Will we ever be friends again? Will we ever get a chance to see if there was anything more? Will we at least stop saying and doing things to hurt each other?

Or was it really all just a challenge to you? Did you just want to see if you could get me into bed? We joked about studies in the interest of science... was that all I was to you? An EXPERIMENT? Was I merely a test case to see whether you still had "it"... to see whether you would be able to charm me into bed? I don't know. I'm not sure I'll ever know...

So, to go back to the original question: Yes, Adrian, I do feel that way about you.

Mood Tracker:
33

RFotD:
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
(So your parents were right: Money DOESN'T grow on trees. It grows on a shrub)

Weight:
103 lbs

Consumption:
Latte
Mini-bag of Doritos
Apple
Baby Carrots
Egg Salad on a Tortilla

Aimless Ramblings:
I'm pretty environmentally unfriendly. I don't have any objections to genetic modification, or pesticides, and I think people who insist on eating only organic foods are stupid. (Well, I don't think THEY are stupid.. I think it's a stupid thing to obsess about.) I don't really care about global warming. I think feminism is ridiculous. Generally, I don't support any type of aggressive activism.

Now, when I said this to Adrian, he was pretty horrified, and took it as evidence of my complete and utter self-involvement. I don't think that this is the case. I mean.. Yes, perhaps I am a little self-centred. But I think that people make themselves miserable by worrying about the future, rather than living in the present.

For example, I am a paper person. I like to have things printed out, rather than trying to read and edit on a computer screen. And sometimes, this requires multiple pages being printed multiple times. Some would say that this is a "waste" of paper. I disagree. I am USING this paper. It is therefore not a waste.

And I happen to like beautiful, shiny apples, with no spots on them. If that means pesticides to keep bugs away, and chemicals added to make them big and juicy (the apples, that is, not the bugs) then so be it. What's the point of science if not to enhance our lives? After all, we have no objections to scientific advances when they are directed towards ameliorating our own lives. Medications; transplants; surgical procedures.. all of these things help us to live longer than we would if left solely to our own devices. They use artificial methods to make our lives better. So if it's good for people, why is it considered negative for other things?

One might argue that there's nothing wrong with pumping foods full of chemicals, and that the problem is our ingesting these unhealthy things. I suppose that's a reasonable argument. But, as most people who know me can attest to, I am not at all a healthy person. Eventually, we're going to die anyway. Why spend the (longer than before, but nonetheless) short time you have counting calories? Why not drink that entirely artificial fruit flavoured sugar beverage, if that's what you want? If you want that supersized fries, go for it.

I think that my main concern is the idea of "taking a stand." I dont think that one can ever resolve that there is a "right" or "wrong" way to behave. I think that morality is a personal thing that varies with time, and experience. There are no absolutes in life. It isn't "right" to kill someone, but it isnt "wrong" if the person is threatening to harm another person. Take the issue of abortion. I am absolutely pro-choice. Not because I think that it is alright to terminate a pregnancy. I am pro-CHOICE. I feel that it is a decision that is an independent one, based on numerous factors, and that there is no way that a society can make a broad sweeping statement about the morality of such a situation.

I don't feel that society SHOULD do anything. A society is only as good as the individuals that it is comprised of. And as Adam Smith observed, individuals conduct themselves out of self-interested motivations. These self-serving individuals collectively form a society that is directed towards a state of moral, sociological as well as economic equilibrium. As long as each of us does makes the decision that is "right" for us at the time, whether it is printing that second draft of an essay, or eating that genetically modified grapefruit, or aborting an unwanted child, we can be assured that we will progress, as a society, towards a utilitarian state.

Mood Tracker:
43

RFotD:
The average person spends two years of their lifetime on the phone.
(I am FAR above average)

Weight:
Too scared to check how many lbs

Consumption:
Coffee
Tim's Breakfast Sandwich (Biscuit, Egg and Processed Cheese... mmmmmmmm)
Half a tub of Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk Icecream
Doritos
Coke

Aimless Ramblings:
Fuck. I can't believe the nerve of that guy. How dare he turn me into some sort of villain? How dare he pass himself off as an innocent victim? How dare he make me out to be a heartless bitch? How dare he call me a slut?

My friends have been telling me for years that AL was not a good guy for me. They tried to show me how manipulative, and conniving, and self-centred he was. They insisted that his martyrdom and self-pity were calculated to hurt. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. I alienated so many of the people that I love for him. I frustrated so many people who were looking out for me; people who genuinely had my best interests at heart. When we started dating, I said I didnt want to be in a relationship. I had so much difficulty opening up to him, and allowing myself to believe that it was okay to trust him. He convinced me to believe that it was okay to be vulnerable. He made me believe that I could be safe with him. What a fool I was. I don't know why I always second guess my gut instincts. He was so lucky to be with me. The entire world knew it. The entire world wondered why I was wasting my time with someone who was not good looking enough; not social enough; not personable enough for me. I shrugged them all off. I was pig-headed enough to convince myself that I was happy in a relationship that did nothing but pull me down for three years. I will never make that mistake again.

Fuck you, Alex. Fuck you.

Mood Tracker:
40

RFotD:
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet (2 m) away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

Weight:
105 lbs
(Yuck. Dieting, as of now)

Consumption:
Nothing, yet..

Aimless Ramblings:
Okay, so this is going to be an angry posting. Consider yourself warned.

It's been quite an emotional couple of days. Yesterday, in fact, I sat in the car, in the Loblaws parking lot, and cried my heart out for about an hour. Classy. On Friday, I told AL the truth. I had a few reasons for doing this. Firstly, I just didnt want to be lying to him anymore. After all, he was my friend, and as such, he deserved my trust and honesty. Second, it occurred to me that by hiding the truth, I was behaving as though I had done something wrong. Which I havent. I didnt demonstrate the best judgment, and it was, admittedly, a mistake. And I have lost a good deal of self respect as a result of my actions. But it wasnt wrong. I was single. He was single. We were attracted to each other. We had been "seeing each other" for almost a month. Yes, it was stupid, and we didnt think through the consequences. Yes, it was largely my fault for allowing it to happen when I really didnt want it to. But AL doesnt get to make me feel bad about it. It's not his place to do so. I didnt betray him in any way. He dumped me.. how I deal with it is not for him to judge.

I'm still upset about the whole AW thing, though. I mean, I realize that it's not entirely his fault, and that it takes two to tango and all that.. but still, I am pissed off about the way the whole thing transpired. And I hate the way he makes me feel about myself. Not just because of what happened. Our friendship in general seems to just be very negative, right now. Very likely due to my foul attitude towards him. And it's only going to get worse after I got drunk on Friday evening and told him that he wasnt good in bed. Not looking forward to Monday at all.

Thinking about doing something stupid. Have to spend the rest of the day trying to talk myself out of it. I've written half of the letters already. In case I DO end up doing it, if you don't get one: "Thank you for being there for me. I love you."

Mood Tracker:
31