im a terrible, terrible person. ha. im starting to sound like JC. but seriously, how could i let things slide like this?!? not showing up to classes.. (well, that's not SUCH a deviation, really..) but.. not doing assignments? not contributing to group things? what kind of friend am i?!? what kind of student am i?!?! soooooo fucking irresponsible. i deserve to get kicked out of university, and be forced to go through the rest of my days collecting garbage for a living..

88.6 to 77.5... in the blink of an eye.

hooorah!! i love you, clay aiken

To: You Know Who You Are

it's amazing.. you really dont know what you have until you lose it... i guess im not LOSING anything.. you cant lose what you never had, after all.. i've always had a little bit of a crush on him.. it wasnt a big deal, but i had started to take his being there for granted... and now, this might be the last time i see him for months. i think im going to cry.




Oh, and PS: Remember Hrithik? His new name is Mark.

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.
"You do not know the power of the Dark
Side." There are two possibilities: you
are a Star Wars geek, or you are unreasoningly
scary.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

definitely not a star wars geek.. so i guess im "unreasoningly scary".. consider yourself warned.

of course you dont understand. of course you dont approve. but screw you. im sorry, im sorry. i appreciate everything you've done for me.. i really do. and i know that you're only looking out for my best interests.. but only i can know what my best interests really are. so, thank you for your concern, but with all due respect, kindly butt out.

Forward


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

hahahahahahahahahaa.... who knew?

the wonderful thing about tiggers
(and tiggers are wonderful things)
their tops are made out of rubber
their bottoms are made of springs
they're bouncy, pouncy, pouncy, bouncy
full of wonderful fun
but the most wonderful, wonderful thing about tiggers
is im the only one..
yes.. I'M the only one
hoo hoo hoo hooooooo!

thanks wnd!

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

hurrah! it's five fifty one AM.. i woke up about an hour and a half ago.. after falling asleep while watching robocop 2 and somehow making my way back to lalicks' room (?!?)

english is done and handed in.. yay.. politics essay will just have to wait.

ABC?

dammit... MUST solve these..

hurrah for procrastination techniques!

squishy loves tickles.

teddy said so.

row row row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily merrily merrily merrily
life is but a dream

Fine, I'm a Gay Teddy Lover.

Happy?

*phewf*

im sorry.

i didnt want to do it. i really really REALLY didnt. but after that one slip, i realized that i havent really come to terms with it, after all. and i know that i said that i wanted things to get back to normal, as soon as possible. but.. i was wrong. i feel terrible about telling you that i want one thing, and then changing my mind. maybe that malice wasnt totally misdirected.

i wish i wasnt, but im still hurting.. and im going to need some time to deal with that before i can act as though everything's okay. this is not to say that im going to avoid you altogether, or that i dont want to see you, or that i dont want to talk to you.. i just cant do what we were doing today.. it's too soon to go back to the routine.. you checking to see if i've gone to class, nagging me to eat, seeing through my procrastination schemes... it was so familiar.. which is why i slipped. the instant i wrote it, i realized what i had done, and i was mortified, but it was too late. if i could take it back, i would. but i cant. and i cant promise that it wont happen again, unless i take some time to heal.

im not going to block you. i dont want to cut you out. we might have things to talk about soon. maybe not. please dont think that this is an indication of my not being open to conversation. i am more than ready to talk to you about anything.. as long as it's actually ABOUT something.. and not just random, aimless chatting.. im going to need a couple of days before im able to do that.

once again, im sorry. please dont be angry, or upset.

fucking hell.

(hmm.. i wonder how many of my entries in the past week or so start off like that..)

im gonna fucking fail out of school. i cant do it.

another day.. another five percent.

how sad am i?

*sigh*

"no, please dont. because if you're not going to offer me a place, then i dont want to hear it...."
~Jodie Sawyer, Centre Stage

there's more to this quote, but it's not time for that.. not yet.

i am not a bitch..

i mean, i am by no means entirely blameless. far be it for me to martyr myself or project myself as the victim.. but i am NOT a player; i did NOT wilfully disregard anyone; i did NOT intentionally hurt anyone, and if i inadvertantly did so, im sorry beyond all belief.. there is no clap without two hands, it takes two to tango, and all those other tired phrases. it may be sad, but it's noone's fault.

"That's where the problems begin.. You sleep with someone, you start rationalizing away all the red flags..."
~Stanford, SATC

still dont know how to link.. so fucking incompetent..

oh well, copy/paste..

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/maroon5/thislove.html

sound familiar?

i think it's going to be a no..

but.. i want it to be a yes

shout out to larry, if he reads this..

email gave way to instant messaging... instant messaging begins to give way to blogging... *sigh* the degeneration of communication..

at least i can keep track of what's going on with you.. that's always a comfort.

i do...
i dont...
i do...
i dont...
i do...
i dont...
i do...
i dont...

so confused.

Smallfat says:
okay... so there was a TEENY bit of cinderella theme...
Smallfat says:
wtf?
Smallfat says:
i've gotta go to bed
Smallfat says:
what the hell am i talking about?
Smallfat says:
cinderella?
Smallfat says:
DELIRIOUS
Smallfat says:
good night

what am i doing? what am i getting myself into?

I like Terese Rondo better than Elizabeth Kubler-Ross..

Terese Rondo's 6-R Processes of Grief

Recognize the Loss
React to the separation
Recollect and re-experience the deceased and the relationship
Relinquish the old attachments to the deceased and the old assumptive world
Readjust to move adaptively into the new world without forgetting the old
Re-invest in Life

Fucking hell…

I thought I wasn’t going to go through the second step of the Kubler-Ross grieving process. I guess I was wrong… but I’m not angry about the loss.. I’m angry about other things..

What am I angry about? I don’t understand. Am I angry that he won’t talk to me? That’s stupid. What is it, then? Am I angry that he isn’t in the same place as me? That he’s reacting differently than I am? That I’m ready to re-establish some degree of normalcy, and he’s freezing me out? I’m more selfish than I thought. Whatever it is, I AM upset. And a little angry…

You know what? Fuck You. I don’t need to put up with your mood swings, and you being temperamental. I’m not the one who didn’t want to keep going. I’m not the one who said that we couldn’t keep enjoying the present, because of the prospect of eventual failure. Yeah, we were fighting a lot, but we were in love. And I don’t know about you, but for me, the pros of our being together definitely outweighed the cons. There are always going to be cons. And let’s face it: we went into it knowing that it wasn’t going to last forever. So don’t give me that bullshit about not being able to forget the future in order to live in the moment. We’ve done it so far... why couldn’t it last until the summer? I know that we agreed that we’re fundamentally incompatible. I’ve known that for a long time. So have you. How do you think it has felt for me? To have to lie to my family, the most important people in the world, to me. To know, deep down, that you would never be able to be my life partner.. because we ARE so incompatible.. but I had to put all of the hurt aside, because I was willing to make certain sacrifices. Not worry about the future, so that I would be able to enjoy the present. Right from the beginning, that was my concern: that at some point in the future, one of us would get hurt. That’s why I didn’t want to get into it, to start with… but I realized that I couldn’t keep shutting out love, and happiness, because I was worried about the future.

But you’ve made your decision, and while it still hurts, I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve accepted it. And I’m trying to move on. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but it is. And that’s fine. It’s probably better. If you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore, then I’m glad you told me the truth, rather than lying to me and pretending it was all okay. This is not how I wanted it to end, but it did. It’s over.

So, now you can do whatever it is you need to do. Have fun with it. And let me know when you’re ready to talk.

"Oh, holy night!"

Whether it's stress, late-night food, afternoon coffee, or a shift in your daily schedule, your body's ability to repair itself is easily affected. You may feel at times like you're experiencing sporadic insomnia, or perhaps the sleep you get just isn't enough to make you feel rested. It is important to pinpoint what keeps you awake, but also what enables you to relax. Try these simple tips the next time you need some solid shut-eye:

1) Avoid caffeine and alcohol several hours before bedtime. And remember, most teas—green, white, jasmine, even some labelled "decaffeinated," contain caffeine.

2) Don't go to bed hungry, but avoid eating late-evening snacks. If, after dinner, your stomach cries out for more, try a warm glass of milk—it contains tryptophan, a natural sleep aid.

3) Use the bed only for sleep and sexual activity. Most sleep experts believe it is important to create a direct association with sleep and your bed.

4) Create your own slumber oasis. Make your bedroom as serene, dark, quiet, and relaxing as possible.

5) Get up at the same time each morning.

6) Develop relaxation rituals such as reading, taking a bath, going for a walk, stretching, deep-breathing exercises or listening to music before you sleep.

7)If you can't slow your mind down to snooze after 30 minutes, get out of bed, go to another room and engage in a relaxing activity.

8) Get daily exercise, but avoid strenuous activity within three to four hours of going to bed.

9)Try to avoid late weekend nights, followed by late afternoon sleep-ins. It will throw off your rest routine.

hmmm.. dont like #1 very much.. or #8.. or #9.. and.. as to #3.. *sigh* ..

L and K.. sorry if we made things uncomfortable. i was just joking around.. dont hate me, okay?

one more, and then i promise i'll stop:

Dil mera churaaya kyoon
Jab yeh dil todna hi tha
Humse dil lagaaya kyoon
Humse munh modna hi tha

okay, all done.

Yeh galiyaan yeh chaubaara yahan aana na dobaara
Ab hum to bhaye pardesi ke tera yahan koi nahin
Le jaa rang birangi yaadein, hasne rone ki buniyaadein
Ab hum to bhaye pardesi ke tera yahan koi nahin
*
Ajeeb daastaan hai yeh, kahan shuru kahan khatam
Yeh manzilein hai kaunsi, na voh samajh sake na hum
Mubaarake tumhe ke tum kisi ke noor ho gaye
Kisi ke itne paas ho ke sab se door ho gaye
*
Zindagi ek safar hai suhaana
Yahan kal kya ho kisne jaana
*
Tum paas aaye, yun muskuraaye
Tumne na jaane kya sapne dikhaaye
Ab to mera dil jaage na sota hai
Kya karoon haai, kuch kuch hota hai
*
more hindi.. and yeah, i had to read the translations to find what i wanted.. but who cares?

except for one perhaps one person, noone who reads this will understand it.. oh well.

"Hum tum ek kamre mein band ho, aur chaabi kho jaaye"--> but this will never happen again. *sigh*

how we yearn for it when it evades us
how we question it when it is finally attained
how it consumes us completely and utterly when we're immersed in it
how it destroys a small part of us when it ends

copied from wnd....just like stats..

oh, there we go.. just needed patience, i guess...

how did that post twice? and why cant i delete it?

fuck honesty

hey.. i feel better now. yay. staring at our combined schedule.. and im not crying! tested myself by calling, and even hearing his voice didnt hurt that much.

apparantly im going through the five stages of grief in a messed up order: i think i started with "depression" and "denial".. or.. more of a refusal to accept, than actual denial, i guess.. and now i think im "bargaining" a little.. no anger, yet. i cant be angry at him. i cant hate him. not yet, at least. and im definitely nowhere near acceptance.

i think i can deal with the way i feel right now, for a while.. which is basically just numbness. it's gotten to a point where it hurts so much that i cant even feel it anymore.

i want to see him.. bad idea, i know. but i dont want break-up sex or anything like that. i just.. want to SEE him. talking to him definitely helped. i think seeing him might make it better, too. coffee, or something. no alcohol. and in a group, or alone.. doesnt matter. i dont even care if we dont talk. i just want to see him... --> see, bargaining.

havent eaten since dinner last night.. maybe i should do that. okay.. im gonna go get some sushi..

it's the little things... a toothbrush that i cant throw away. sheets that i cant change. a can of whipped cream that's going to stay in the fridge for a long time. the hospital mask that im not going to be able to take out of my wallet.

everywhere i look, there are reminders: a towel hanging on my door, a bag of hershey's kisses on my desk, a book on my bookshelf, nailpolish on my dresser, a box of water bottles, every song i listen to, the pink pillow on my bed, a sweater in my closet, a ring that is finally on my finger..

will the tears ever stop?

i dont know if i want them to. if i stop crying, it will be because it has stopped hurting. and if it stops hurting, that means i've stopped missing him; that im starting to be able to live without him; that im moving on; that im getting over him; that the amount of love i have for him is subsiding. i dont want that to happen.

i have been pretending more than i thought, over the past few months. along with all the pretending between the two of us, i have also pretended to the world that im stronger, and more nonchalant than i actually am. and i believed it. i was sure that i would be able to deal with this, when it eventually happened. i was sure that i was going to be the strong one. i guess i've learned more about myself since october 23rd than i thought.

oh no. "when you say nothing at all" by ronan keating just came on my playlist.. that was a good night. oh dear.. here they come again. but this time, they're different.. they're more hysterical: tears because it's over, combined with laughter at the recollection of the good times we shared. does this mean im getting better?

who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

what's love got to do with it, you ask? apparantly, a whole lot more than i realized..

to you: wake up.
to me: work.

i have been saying that i would do it for a while. and only now has it seemed absolutely imperative to actually get it done. now that it's on, i dont know if i can ever take it off, again.

im still not willing to let go of the little things. i suppose it's a little bit of denial. combined with the fact that i havent yet completely come to terms with the reality of it. probably because it's such a familiar routine. for example, i got out of the shower, and half expected to see him sitting in my room... later, the doorbell rang, and my heart skipped a beat, hoping it might be him. i dont know whether i WANT it to be him, but that doesnt kill the hope. subconscious, but telling.

of all the crappy timing.

for the first time in a while, i woke up in the middle of the night without someone beside me. i rolled over, subconsciously expecting to have an arm wrap around me, but there was noone there. i had the entire bed to myself. rolling over, there was nothing to stop me, so i just kept rolling until i hit the wall. i was able to toss, and turn, and sprawl out over as much space as i could fit in: i didnt like it. but i suppose i had better get used to it.

ha.. the cruel irony:
22 October 2003 [20:24:35]: next time i'm trying to get over a girl, remind me
to call u and ask u for tips ;)

i suppose it's not a good idea to read back through all the old conversations, all the old notes, and emails, and cards. there were so many good times.. but it's not fun, yet, to look back on them. it's too soon. it makes it hurt so much more. it makes me realize just how much i miss..

i miss us. i miss the warmth. i miss your kisses. i miss the fun. i miss the love. i miss being able to curl up in a little ball, and having you hold me. i miss being silly. i miss twisting my neck up, just to look at you. i miss everything, but more than anything, i miss you.

yesterday, i was watching tv. seeing other couples make out used to make me wish you were with me. now, it's almost unbearable. knowing that im not going to get a goodnight kiss for a long time. even worse, there will be no kiss good morning. i want us to be friends. i want to be able to spend time with you, without awkwardness between us. but at the moment, i dont know if im strong enough to do that without breaking down. in the past, we've always ended up realizing how much we miss each other, how empty our lives seem without one another, and reconciling our emotional and psychological differences in order to restore the physical comfort of having another person there, loving you.

but this time isnt like the other times. this time it's real. so i'll just keep missing you until the hurt goes away.. or until i grow numb to it. this time i can say it, because it's still true, but i know that despite this fact, there is no going back.. i love you.

and the worst part is having so many questions.. but having to wait to be able to ask them, and being unsure of ever getting any answers.. unsure if i want the answers.

im upset. there, i said it. and i'll say it again: im upset. and im hurting. what hurts more than anything else is the suspicion of doubt.

im smiling because it happened.. but i need to cry, because im sad that it's over.. so i will. i will cry until there are no more tears. i will cry until i am too exhausted (or dehydrated) to cry any more.

and you know me: im going back and second guessing myself, now. i always do. but each time i replay it, i come to the same conclusion. there is no alternative.. unless we were to continue playing games, and making believe. but we're not little kids. we're grown ups.

it's over, and i have to accept that. i DO accept that. but it also did happen. and i wouldnt ever want to take it back. the fact that it happened is hugely important to me.. i cherish each and every memory. and along with these memories, i will always love and value the keepsakes of a happier time.

ring goes on.

a while ago, we made a list... and it's funny, but the only thing i've been able to think of for the past hour and a half is the fact that only two of the thirty things on that list were actually accomplished. so many things that i wanted to do, so many things that we wanted to do together. hopefully, one day, at least some of them will get done.

--> edited, cuz im incompetent... or distraught.. whichever you choose to believe

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

DIDNT know that.. haha..


discover what candy you are @ quiz me

DID know that, though...

okay, that's enough with the song lyrics. might as well just come out and say it, rather than beating about the bush.

it hurts. the more i think about it, the more painful it is. but you always have to suffer the worst of the sickness before you can recover.. so, i'll put on a happy face, and deal with it.. if i keep pretending that im alright, sooner or later, i will begin to believe it. and once i believe it, i WILL be alright.

i know that it's over.. once and for all.. we're past the point of no return.. there's no going back, now. but i can look back on all the good times. and there were so many of those. i'll miss them, but i know that the good times will come back, eventually. i know that they will never be the same, but i hope that it won't be too long.

celine dion is not the happiest music to listen to. lots of heartbreak, and sacrifice, and sorrowful love. a little depressing, really. but maybe i should stop pretending that im okay, and let myself be upset. that was the problem, after all.. pretending. but no. im not letting the situation beat me. we all know that it's for the best. time will make it better; until then, i'll keep faking it. after all... "the result of this deception is very strange to tell.. for when i fool the people i fear, i fool myself as well"

damn. i resorted to a song lyric again. why are they always so damn relevant?

*sigh*

life goes on... because although "inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile stays on... the show MUST go on"

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh, I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

~ Celine Dion

Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you
Here's a wish and prayer that every dream comes true
And though it's always sweet sorrow to part
I know you'll always remain in my heart

Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you
Here's a wish and a prayer that every dream comes true
And now 'til we meet again
Adios, au revior, auf weidersehen.....
Good Night!

~*~*~*~*~ FIN ~*~*~*~*~

i've been living to see you
dying to see you but it shouldnt be like this
this was unexpected
what do i do now?
could we start again, please?

i think you've made your point now
you've even gone a bit too far to get the message home
before it gets too frightening
we ought to call a halt
so.. could we start again, please?
~jesus christ superstar

***

it seems like we're making up more than we're making love..
~aerosmith

***

a little too close to home, i think.. is this necessarily sensible? what am i doing? why am i doing it? what's the point?

my nose is eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetchy.

im working. i swear.

oooh.. watched the exorcist last night.. "the spirit of christ compels you"

weirdly.. wasnt all that scared by what is supposed to be one of the most frightening movies of all time.. but i was scared by what happened later: unlocked doors are fucking terrifying things.

im hungry. and thirsty.

jen and tanu made banana bread. yum yum. and i have fruitopia... and broccoli corn cheese gratin.. mmmmmmmm... lunch at gustos was good too.. pricy, but good. mmmm..

peel tonight! woohoo.

im so damn irresponsible. *sigh*

the eensy-weensy spider
went up the water spout
down came the rain
and washed the spider out
out came the sun
and dried up all the rain
so the eensy-weensy spider
went up the spout again


baaaaaaa... baaaaaaaa... baabaabababa

so this is what insecurity feels like. damn hormones. stupid MAP.

but ahhhhhhh.. 15 hours of sleep... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... oh well, too bad im gonna have to pull another allnighter to make up for it. getting into a vicious circle here... blast.

here i come, waugh. wahhhhh!

this makes me soooo happy!!

http://www.cbc.ca/stories/2004/03/09/sci-tech/coffee_diabetes040309

what can i do? must find something that is NOT stats to keep me occupied... lalala... already watched massive amounts of TV.. now watching some crappy show about women's lifestyles or something weird like that.. girl power or some such rubbish.. aha! commercial break.. it's called "starting over"

oh.. speaking of commercial breaks, we watched an infomercial today which was basically selling a service for promoting married couples to cheat.. it was actually advocating infidelity! horrifying! what is the world coming to?!?!

my leg hurts.. it's falling asleep.. but the rest of me isnt... maybe i could go for a walk.. but.. where would i walk to? ooh.. i could walk all the way to the kitchen!! and make myself a snack... like.. let's see... CORN!!!!! woooohooooo!

going to my very first ritual ever this week.. i hope.. but first i have to get a start on my english essay... and maybe begin researching for politics..

oh look.. it's a brown guy on tv! why are there no good looking brown guys anywhere in the world?! except for perhaps ONE... sooo sad... OHHH!! i know why that kid looked familiar.. it's the bollywood/hollywood dude.. the geeky little brother.. hahaha...

i bought hollandaise sauce mix.. and english muffins.. so i can make eggs benedict.. but i dont know how to poach eggs properly.. must learn how to do that..

alright.. enough procrastination.. back to stats i go..

but fear not.. i shall be back soon.. i dont have that long an attention span.

okay, it's official. my life can now be completely written off. there is no hope for me at all. im stupider than alex. im totally devastated.. and will now proceed to cry my eyes out.

ha.. five posts in one day, and it's not even 2:30 yet.

oh dear god, help me: im a nerd.

I taste like Peanut Butter. I am one of the most blendable flavours; I go with sweet, I go with sour, I go with bland, I go with anything. I am practical and good company, but have something of a tendency to hang around when I'm not wanted, unaware that my presence is not welcome. What Flavour Are You?

:o what rubbish!! my presence is ALWAYS welcome!! yikes.. that's not true, is it?!? my alternate flavour was :

Buzz buzz, I am Coffee flavoured. I am popular in the workplace, even though I am often bitter. I am energetic to the point of being frenetic; buzz buzz, out of my way. I tend to overwork myself and need periods of recovery time. What Flavour Are You?

is that more accurate? i dont know..

baby..
so cute..
muah

academia is evil..

i resolutely stand by my theory that all profs are conspiring to drive their students to meltdowns, by making them so overwhelmed that they all collapse of exhaustion, cluttering up emergency rooms all over kingston... (all two of them..) so that they (the profs) will no longer have any students to teach, for the remainder of the academic year, therefore no prep time required.. but will they continue to be paid, for coming in to "lectures" and whiling away their hours playing free-cell and minesweeper.

i dont understand macroeconomics at all. it's interesting, but i just dont get it. maybe if i went to class once in a while.. or read the textbook.

went in to see a learning strategies counsellor today. see jane talk. i did. and she talked a lot of sense.. not as much as i would have liked, seeing as how most of the forty five minutes consisted of me talking.. but still, 'twas helpful. she gave me several tips about how to study and work more effectively, and more efficiently. step number one: get out of the house.. get away from the TV, and the laptop (or at least the internet) and go to a place where i can focus, without being surrounded by countless distractions. so.. off to the library i go.

it's such a pretty day today. spring is finally here, it seems. hoorah! bring out the cute little summery outfits! wooooohooooo!!

alright, alright.. im going.. just gonna grab my macro textbook, and then get this show on the road.. must get myself a cup of coffee too.. need money to do that.. okay, so here's the plan: go to JDUC, withdraw some cash (a still owes me ~30.. and t owes me 16.. hmm) pop over to tim's, get a medium double double, go to stauffer, and work for two hours, before meeting up with wnd.. maybe i should take my stats assignment, too.. to give me quelque chose a faire, in case i finish the macro assignment before our designated meeting time. hmm.

okay, okay.. im gone.

not at all
not very
somewhat
fairly
very much

note to self.. trying to work in bed is not effective.. and msn is evil..

but im all happy and summery today.. all set to work.. need to pop over to the corner store, though, i think.. to get some juice, coke, and milk so i can make coffee..... mmm.. caffeine.

lotsa work to do.. two assignments, two essays.. plus all kinds of other little things, both academic, and personal.. will the madness never end?

and i really want to be able to take a break.. but i've been sleeping for way too long... dammit..

*sigh*

practice makes perfect... getting better every time.

mmm... fruit and nut.. oooh.. chocolate!

okay, okay.. im working.

research sucks.. what in god's name made me decide to be an arts student. i should have just stuck it out with sciences rather than dropping them after grade 10.. actually, no, then i'd have to do labs. forget that. commerce then. why didnt i apply to commerce? oh yeah.. you need to be smart for that. dammit.. i guess being in econ is the only thing i COULD do.. but why am i taking politics and english?!?!? because im an idiot. oh yes. that's why.

i was nerdy today (someone is rubbing off on me.. and i dont mean that in the dirty way.. although i suppose that interpretation holds, too) and went and put together a spreadsheet to calculate all my weighted marks etc to figure out how im doing in each course. mildly depressing, but at least it's all organized, and i can clearly see how im doing, and what needs work and all that kinda stuff.
so.. currently getting an 81 in 239, an 89 in 250, and a 91.5 in 222.. as my overall marks.. woohoo. not doing quite so well in pols, or english.. oh well.. i'll fix that, from here on in...

syd is in toronto.. for study week.. very happy coincidence.. so we're meeting up for coffee/hot chocolate/lemonade (contingent on weather.. although it's been snowing.. boo.. so i suppose lemonade is out.. although, i guess it doesnt REALLY matter.. screw the norms! rebel, i say! drink lemonade in the winter!) should be nice to catch up with her, especially since i've been so bloody neglectful of the whole emailing thing.. it'd be soo much easier if the entire world was just on MSN.. but no, syd has to be responsible, and refuses to fritter away her time online, the way i do. :p to her. ah well, i love her anyway.

my skin is really dry. so are my eyes. threw out the grey contacts i've been wearing for the past month or so, and switching to a green pair today. i really ought to get my eyebrows done, and upper-lip, too.. getting quite revolting. no time, though. maybe there's somewhere i can go in kingston...

*aachhooo* NO! i cant get sick! no time for sickness! if i had that kind of time to spare, i would much rather spend it getting groomed.. i desperately need a manicure.. a pedicure would be nice too.. my poor footsies are looking very sad, having been trapped inside (albeit INCREDIBLY cute) boots for the past few months..

j'ai faim. qu'est-ce qu'il y a manger? rien. i've eaten it all, already. hmm.. there MUST be some chocolate downstairs, though.. oh, and there's that chocolate fudge cheesecake in the fridge.. mmm..

weighed myself today: 100.8 lbs! progress. but that was in the morning.. let's go see what i way now, shall we? 102.6?!?!? how the bloody hell?!? hmm.. well i DID eat.. and i had a shower, so my hair is wet (wet hair is heavier, yeah?).. and im wearing a fairly heavy, chunky knit sweater.. that cant possibly account for 1.8 lbs, can it? oh, well, i suppose it can. DAMN. maybe i'll take a break this afternoon to hop on the treadmill.. or the exercise bike.. or the ski-machine thingy.. not the step thing.. that's boring.

oh no, i cant! it's already half past one.. i have two and a half hours to do research before syd gets here.. and then once she leaves, i'll have about an hour before i have to eat dinner, and leave myself. oh no. the fat will just continue to build up, i suppose. *sob, sob*

maybe once all these assignments and essays are out of the way, i can head over to the PEC for one of their cardio classes or something.. that might work.

okay, ten to two. enough procrastination. must get back to my darling evelyn waugh.. (who was a guy! - see Lost in Translation)

hoorah for satirical examinations of the world.. bigger hoorah for my complete and utter lack of caring.

*sigh* --> once again, for the record, i sigh because breathing is essential in order to sustain life, and i have extremely audible exhalations. :p

im tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.. and boooooooooooooored...

ermüdet und gebohrt ....

alésé et fatigué ....

furado e cansado ....

alesato e stancato ....

agujereado y cansado ....

gotta love online translators.

i wanna sleep. damn phones. interrupting all the time. stupid alexander graham bell. i hope he is being eaten by worms.

blood brothers is the best musical ever. production wasnt so great.. cabaret was SO much better.. me? biased? of course not. but seriously, it was a tad amateur. oh well.. still awesome.

peel is getting dull. must find somewhere more fun.

cant believe he did that! mortified beyond belief at the mere thought of it.. i suppose there WAS a positive outcome.. but even so.. :|

and im still not sure how to feel about the whole thing. going along with it, but still somewhat hesitant, and mildly uncomfortable, even. i suppose i really ought to bring it up.. but im not sure how to do so without being hurtful, or coming across as controlling, or hypocritical...

bus ride back was enjoyable, in terms of housemate bonding session. talked about everything imaginable.. sharing some VERY intimate details.. tres interesting.

feeling better in terms of being a friend.. im not as much of a horrible, heartless bitch as i thought i was. it feels good to support another person, and be there for them when they're falling apart (of course, i would rather they weren't falling apart.. cuz it hurts to see them that way, but you know what i mean..)

hey, dont i have to grab some guy's ass? better get on that.

sooooo much work to do. and stupid house is sooo fuckin' frigid.

"Walking on the pavement cracks.. who knows what's gonna come to pass... You know, the devil's got your number.."

*rrrrrrrrrrrring, rrrrrrrrrrrring, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring*

yikes.. it's been an eventful 36 hours.. but in a good way, i think. or not. im not sure. so very confused.

at least i had a nice long cry.. that was relieving, and cathartic. i really needed that.

and... to quote a certain someone.. "I D I"

*sigh* who'da thunk?

regret is probably the worst feeling in the world. im so glad i dont feel it.

kinda freaking out now, though. oh well, all will be better in the morning.

a little hungry.. gonna grab quelque chose a manger, and then head off to bed.. oh so very healthy, no?

bon nuit.

end scene.